The year was 1991.... a young fledgling rock star from Seattle was in pain. A lot of pain. Rigorous touring was not to blame. Soon the young musician realized something was wrong. Very wrong. His wife, that he'd had memories of but never actually met was missing from his life. From that time period in general. Trapped in 2012, she awaits a way back. A way back to change the future... a future that turns into a place with no Kurt Cobain.

A murder plot that turns into the most famous suicide in history, this site is dedicated to the small story of the husband who left a billion clues for the wife who figured them out.

Now her goal is to avenge her husband's death by pinning the murderer's with their crime...

Meanwhile she pours herself into her journal, awaiting the day she is finally reunited with her husband in time.

Letters to Kurt...

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Dear Kurt,

God I love you. It's been almost twenty years since you were here and I can still feel you. I love you. Sleep tight.

Love Always,
Rose/your wife forever

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

In Utero:

So In Utero is basically a concept album Kurt wrote regarding his personal life and relationships with me and his "wife" at the time Courtney..... the album is very personal to him and he was very excited to release it... as well as Hole's live through this that was filled with all kinds of notations that appeared as if he had made the decision to throw in his life on In Utero for his own self-persecution regarding falling into Courtney's "magnet tarpit trap" the line from Heart Shaped Box when he was in love with another woman (me) That he personifies in the song "I Hate Myself And Want TO Die" with the line "you're the one I want to refill".... He also released a last song that you all know well called "You Know You're Right" that was also devoted to me that had to do with leaving Courtney to scour the country for me. At this point it looked as though he was really encouraged to live and NOT suicidal with the lines: "I'm so calm and warm inside I no longer have to hide" which expresses his feelings towards finally having the initative to get out of the faulty marriage to Courtney and finally try to be with me, although I was very young. The Heart-Shaped Box video is actually really sad as it shows me as a little girl hopping and skipping around and even leaping to grab a hanging fetus from the tree... and the old warn-out man that creeps up to the cross and hangs himself there as like I said, "persecution" for putting his dick inside Courtney and getting the disgusting tramp pregnant. All in all the whole album is beautiful that way and a very nice concept album for all of you who know's what that means.


Thursday, August 8, 2013

Kurt admits Nirvana was not his greatest attempt at music shitbirds --

Kurt writes in Smells Like Teen Spirit, and admits Nirvana is a joke attempt at his music:

"I'm worse at what I do best.... for this gift I feel blessed".

And p.s. I am BODDAH.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Eric Erlandson of "Hole", a fake band with fake popularity released a book entitled "Letters to Kurt" and he is going to die. He's sued like a mother fucker. They are all going to pay. And Dave Grohl actually did write "My Hero" about Kurt. He's screwed again. Every single one of them knew it was murder... Here's the lyrics --

"My Hero"

Too alarming now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Don't the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Kudos, my hero
Leaving all the best
You know my hero
The one that's on

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

call him ordinary again faggot and you're dead.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Hey everyone if anyone is reading this... i almost got murdered by a random guy who i went home with and i feel sick. I don't know what to do. I need you so bad, Kurt. I hope you assholes have some compassion for this situation that me and him have dealt with our whole lives... literally being away from our spouses since birth. I'm so devastated. I'm working on getting some current photos of me up here. Hopefully from the photo shoot after the L.A. weekly interview. That's all I have to say. Courtney Love is going to rot in hell.

Thankfully still alive,

Saturday, July 27, 2013

new song

that velveteen coat (aberdeen)

I used to be
I used to be
a little boy
a little boy
from aberdeen
good ole aberdeen
she honestly loved me
she honestly loved me
since I was seventeen
wearin' baggy ripped jeans
baggy ripped jeans
from seventeen
from seventeen
i wrote her a love song
wrote her a love song
ten miles long
ten miles long
and then I rose up
then I rose up
up on the scene
up on the scene
up on the scene
up on the scene
and left aberdeen
left aberdeen
for that stretch limosene
stretch limosene
I was young and green
young and green
if you know what I mean
know what I mean
I wasn't the man
wasn't the man
to make a stand
to make a stand
and she was an actress
she was an actress
with hollywood dreams
hollywood dreams
and I was a boy
I was a boy
from wholesome aberdeen
so when she arrived
when she arrived
in her own limosene
own limosene
i was just wearin'
i was just wearin'
my favorite yellow tweed
favorite yellow tweed
strummin' a guitar
strummin a guitar
playin' a rock star
playin' a rock star
on mtv
on mtv
on mtv
on mtv
and she didn't notice
she didn't notice
'til I put on that coat
put on that coat
she thought it was cotton
thought it was cotton
but i'd nearly forgotten
nearly forgotten
it was velveteen
my best velveteen
my best velveteen
my best velveteen
she thought I was trendy
thought I was trendy
playin' that fendi
playin' that fendi
just a good ole boy
just a good ole boy
from wholesome aberdeen
I gave her a smile
gave her smile
to last for a while
to last for a while
but she thought it was cocky
she thought it was cocky
and thought I was foxy
and thought I was foxy
but didn't take note
didn't take note
'till I put on that coat
'till I put on that coat
she thought it was cotton
thought it was cotton
it was velveteen
my best velveteen
on the rock-n-roll scene
rock-n-roll scene
I honestly loved her
I honestly loved her
since seventeen
before I rose up
before I rose up
on the scene
on the scene
she didn't take note
she didn't take note
'till my most romantic show
my most romantic show
candles and cloves
candles and cloves
and a hand-beaded necklace
around my throat
my hair was a mess
hair was a mess
dressed in my best
dressed in my best
jade and lavender
jade and lavender
jade and lavender
jade and lavender
so there I was sippin'
there I was sippin'
pennyroyal tea
pennyroyal tea
she thought it was crass
she thought it was crass
sittin' on my own ass
sittin' on my own ass
so she left in a hurry
left in a hurry
and I said baby don't
baby don't worry
I'm still that boy
still that boy
from seventeen
wearin' those baggy
wearin those baggy
ripped blue jeans
ripped blue jeans
so I got down
I got down
on bended knee
bended knee
if she could discover
if she could discover
just how much I love her
just how much I love her
in that black velveteen
black veveteen
she'd know what I mean
know what I mean
it took her a while
took her a while
to put up a smile
put up a smile
so we got married
so we got married
in aberdeen
good 'ole aberdeen
good 'ole aberdeen
we sported our own
we sported our own
stretch limosene
stretch limosene
and I finally asked her
I finally asked her
what made her lean
what made her lean
and she bluntly told me
she bluntly told me
it was that soft velvet coat
when she took note
so I had to come clean
I had to come clean
about that note she wrote
note she wrote
to the magazines
to the magazines
about my best velveteen
my best velveteen
that velveteen jacket
that velveteen jacket
that caused such a racket
that caused such a racket
and came with a tacked back
came with a tacked back
was right off the hat rack
right off the hat rack
and didn't belong
didn't belong
to me
to me
it was mtv's
yeah mtv's
it was mtv's
it was mtv's
it was mtv's
it was mtv's
it was mtv's
that velveteen coat
velveteen coat
and that note she wrote
note she wrote
said she dug me
said she dug me
but she honestly
loved me
she honestly loved me
since I was seventeen
wearin' those baggy
wearin' those baggy
ripped blue jeans
ripped blue jeans
haulin' barley
haulin' barley
from good 'ole aberdeen
na na na na na
na na na na na
na na na na na
na na na na na
na na na na na
na na na na na
na na na na na
na na na na na

Thursday, July 25, 2013

This little group[tribe] always was and always will be --

a mulatto -- Jared
an albino -- Kurt
a mosquito -- River
My libido -- me
Hey honey I think I am going to be sick. I found information on all your solo material that existed before you were killed and I have got to get my hand on those lyrics. I have got to. I can't imagine how many songs were directed to me again. I am contacting lawyers like crazy. I love you.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

God's Children's SLOGANS, before they KNEW who they WERE:


the husband/the leader/suitor number one

Kurt Donald Cobain
feb. 20th, 1967 - apr. 5th 1994

"In the Sun I Feed As One"


"God Is Gay"

the brother/suitor number two

River Jude Phoenix
aug. 23rd 1971 - Oct. 31st 1993

"Just call me Lucifer"

He's hid some bones in Alexa's Attic

the dark knight/suitor number three

Jared "The Scared" Leto
birthdate unknown

"This Is War, God"

Alibis?? Exactly ONE.


the center of the globe/The Girl Genius/The Baby/the wife/God's 'favorite'/Daddy's little girl

code name: Beth Berger alias Rose Phoenix-Cobain

"Better Than God"


"I Am God"


"anything you can do I can do better"

"numero uno"

------------------------------- AND THESE WERE THEIR ATTITUDES BEFORE THEY KNEW WHO THEY WERE RELATED TO---------------------------------- the one and only God Almighty --- He sure knows how to pick them.

Polly gets a rewrite and the Martyr (Voice in the Crowd) dialogue is written....

First of all... Dave Grohl is dead. He knew, more than anyone... the plot for Kurt's murder. Read the lyrics to My Hero. That was my last straw. I may actually go into the police station at this point and report it.

"He's ordinary"?? Even his shade of blonde I will never find again... You're gonna get atleast twenty years for this Dave. I hope the Foo Fighters was worth it. Kurt had respect for you all... and you threw him in the dumpster like he was nothing. He was my everything and you will pay. It's funny. Dave knew it was murder, but at the same time, he writes in My Hero like it was suicide just to twist it around to try and save his ass if it's salvagable at this point.

It's NOT. Any ways, you're all dead. "Polly" is below... I wanted to give it more depth and personability. As a LARGE side note, this is a *FICTICIOUS STORY*. KURT DID NOT RAPE ANYONE.

Eat Shit.


polly wants a cracker
i think i should get off her first
i think she wants some water
to put out the blow torch

isn't me have a seed
let me clip your dirty wings
let me take a ride cut yourself
want some help please myself

get some rope you have been told
promise you i have been true
let me take a ride cut yourself
want some help please myself

polly says her back hurts
maybe I should slit her wrists
bring her some aspirin
or call her a funeral hearse

i never went to college
in high school was a wrestlin' dish
daddy was an asshole
with a penny couldn't make a wish

polly's barely breathin'
mommy wouldn't even make a fist
red rover says it's over
we're wagin' a penitentiary trist

mommy call the doctor
or just hang me from your cryptic list

now polly's in the gutter
I shoulda avoided that one crude salvic kiss
mommy was a martyr
like a guppie I couldn't get it right
workin' for the warden
now i'm servin' 25 to life

a suicidal hang man
maybe i'll finally end this civil gripe
polly says don't bother
she'll charge in before i get it right

mommy can you help me
i'm beggin' for your umbilical strife
now their gonna gas me
you should see the mass prision hype

all of this from an erection
just to hide the pain of a parental fight
i'll probably pray to jesus
if polly lets me near the kike

see all of you in heaven
god forgave a little boy who lost his sight
mommy come to confession
i will show you in spades there's no trite
 now back into the womb
polly says she will forgive with full might

*in loving memory, "Polly from the punk rock show"

From the Sweet Valley Highish "Suicide Series" The prequel to Rockstar Suicide, the disgruntled fan who loses it over his harsh suicide note and starts the revolutionary frenzy against him.

The Martyr (The Voice in the Crowd)


a massive crowd is gathered around an exquisite house with large trees hiding the threshold. Soft, quiet sobbing can be heard. Fans mill about... lighting candles... embracing each other. It is as silent as a church.

A female head bobs around. Glancing about. She hesitates.

FEMALE VOICE(to herself)
Oh my god. This is unbelievable. What are
they doing?? This is rediculous.
(yelling to the crowd)
What are you crying for? What are you crying
for, huh?? There's nothing sad here... he got
what he wanted... he's burning out!

the audience remains silent. They continue to light candles.

FEMALE VOICE(glancing about)
Put those candles away! Stop doing that.
(to herself)
Oh my god. Stop doing that.
(to the crowd again)
There's nothing to cry about! He wasn't afraid!
And you're not a messiah, Curt.

She hesitates. More sobs drift through the atmosphere.

(in frustration)
You've got to be kidding me. Quit crying.
It's better to burn out than to fade away?? You
can't do that! That's not an answer. And it's
not a cause...
Helluva punchline, huh?? Fading away? I don't
have the passion anymore?? You never had
the passion! Why are you so quiet, huh? Cat
got your tongue? Suffering in silence?
What did you really wanna say? Go ahead...
tell them! You hated these people! They're no
good! You despised them.

She angles her attention to the crowd again --

What are you crying for, huh? He hated you!
He chose death. Not you! Go ahead. Call him
an asshole. He still hates you!

Softly, to herself --

oh my god.
(pause, yelling up to the open window)
I'm on my time with everybody??
He knew how much you loved him. He knew
how much you needed him. But I'm the one
who's suffering. Not you.
(to the open window)
You were my everything! How could you do this!
(whispering to herself)
no. God.
(back to the open window)
I'd rather be dead than cool?? Have you no shame?
out of the ground... into the sky... out of the sky....
into the dirt?? What's wrong with you! Didn't you
know how much I needed you! Oh my god!!

Her voice raises --

We didn't know anything about your life!
I don't eat anything green?? What does
that mean?
lettuce... broccoli... celery... asparagus...
spinnich... peas.... cabbage...

She shakes her head again, her face remains in the shadows --

I'd rather be dead than cool???
Well you're dead! And it's not cool!!
What else should I write?
I don't have the right!

The crowd is dead silent now. The tears have subsided.

The soul is cheap?
That's it?
That's it???
I would have given you anything! Anything!
I lie in the grass and fertilize mushrooms??
How could you be so crass? How could you
be so disrespectful when I needed your life.
I needed it!! It's not funny!
I hate myself and I want to die?? Then say so!
How could you do this to me?? How could you
do this. It's not funny, Curt. You were my
everything. My everything. My everything!
How could you do this to me?....

The silence fades out along with the picture....

You were my everything. I've always loved you.
Always. Always. How could you do this to me!
The soul is cheap? The soul is cheap?? Your
soul was everything to me! Everything!
Answer me goddamn you! Answer me! How
could you do this to me!
(to the crowd)
Put down those signs! He had a life goddamn it. He
was a person, you know! Not just an image. Not just an idea!
A person! Oh my god, I loved you!!
How could you do this to me. How could you do this to me.

The crowd remains silent as she continues to rant....


Monday, July 22, 2013

Finally got a bite with the LA Weekly for an interview in the music department. Hopefully this will amount to the cover... I will keep you posted.


Saturday, July 20, 2013


Rose Phoenix-Cobain finally prepares to post a "Barbara Walters" style serious interview on Kurt Cobain's true feelings and life story that she plans to offer rights to Kurt Cobain biographer Charles Cross.... It begins like this:

Are we rolling? This will be pretty intense. I have my feelers on to your genuine interests that you care... truly care... why Kurt blew his brains out. If I ever do admit that it was truly suicide after my discovery of all the lyrics... I swear on his grave, that I will end your life, if you think for one second or even imply it -- that the 'note' left at that scene was his real suicide note.

Now that we've got that out of the way. I'm ready to begin. Here we go. Brace yourself.

One. Two... Three.

"It all started when he lost his mother...."


Jesus fucking christ I am going to lose it:



ONE MORE PICTURE AND YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



If you thought you were pissed about losing a husband before you even meet, check this one out. Lovelorn indie film director/singer/model Rose Phoenix-Cobain is about to go ballistic on Dave Geffen and Geffen Records for the loss of her true love, late musician Kurt Cobain. In 1994 the young musician died of what was ruled a suicide just moments before he had hatched big plans to leave his whole life behind and scour the countryside for his true love that he'd been writing songs to since hitting it big in 1991 after his band's hit Smells Like Teen Spirit took over the Billboard charts. What seemed like the typical death of suicide that would take his life, did in fact take his life, there wasn't much cynicism that it wasn't true. but the murder facts are way stronger than one has a clue to do with.

Rose Phoenix-Cobain has been studying the case for five years now and is disgusted by how obvious the severe infraction is. "He was gutted like a fish by his ex-wife out of severe obsession and I DESERVE a platform and a voice and the TRILLION DOLLARS that I plan on suing Geffen for, as well as having the whole company arrested for the 71 counts of murder the company is accompliced with. They should have given him way more security. He was worth billions. I know he had more things on his mind than making the greatest music at the time, like informing me of his untimely murder, but he was meant to be a legend. And the world took that away from him, handed him a loaded gun, and said: have fun!!!

Phoenix-Cobain innocently started researching Cobain's death a few years ago due to the fact that she has a personal emotional draw to victims of suicide-related deaths and often runs an advocation club entitled SUICIDE PREVENTION OUTREACH. But she admits her draw to the Cobain case had more of a personal pull to it than a random one. "I knew I was connected to Kurt severely. I just didn't know to what extent. At first I just thought it was a rival.

I had the attitude, "dude, I'm you. I'm better at being you... than you are so screw you." I had no idea he picked up on these vibes until he wrote the hit "Come as you are" which seemed to be a shout out to her as an invitation to step forward, come on out, and introduce herself to the man she claims to be better at than the man himself -- Cobain sings: "Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be, as a friend, as a trend, as an OLD ENEMY" Cobain states in the hit. Referring to the fact that he was aware of how much Phoenix-Cobain despised him for his hypocritical ways that were so severe... he invented his own term to describe them: Contradictionary Lies. "I knew Kurt had written some lyrics to me... but I wasn't sure to the level of extent. They just keep popping up. It was like he was obsessed with me -- in a good way. It ruled his life. But such a hit and gigantic global definer like come as you are?? That's shocking to think that he could have based such a worldly song on such a small, personal situation and no one was even aware.

"Come as a friend. As a TREND. As I want you to be." Phoenix-Cobain believes Cobain was referring to what a regular occurence it seemed to be to claim to be the real Kurt Cobain, that the "trend" was so enticing to him that he couldn't wait to write a whole song inviting the real one to meet him, perhaps under the bridge....

He goes onto state that: "I don't have a gun. NO I don't have a gun"....  "Well, that's a relief, but I was about to toward him at one point. My life has been such hell. We are definitely connected like siamese twins. Every time Kurt lies through his teeth regarding something else he didn't stand by as a moral, I would pay the price in spades in my own life." But their connection gets more complicated than you can imagine.

"He may have thought at first he just had the hots for his original self. OR who it stood for in another person. But not much later he realized, Oh my god. That's actually my wife! What am I doing! Where are you honey!!?"

"Bipolar opposites attract. I'm a man trapped in a woman's body... he's a woman trapped in a man's body. But in the end we are both madly in love and have ruined lives because of are misplacement from each other. " Phoenix-Cobain's last straw was when she realized Cobain's last released hit single entitled You Know You're Right was directed to her as well. The clencher was when she discovered the title phrase 'you know you're right' was his final statement to her before his sudden death that DOES in fact varify that she IS the one he has been referring to through the years, and she DOES know what she's talking about as it pertains to him and when the time did come for her to step out with the information -- and naturally no one believed her -- just remember, honey: YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT.

She goes to great pains to emphasize that contrary to the popular belief of fans that this song is a "break up" song, it is actually the exact opposite.
"This song was his 'last straw' song when it came to leading his miserable fake life that he was leading with a woman he had no desire to consider for one moment as his actual wife, that he must have really reached the point where he finally had everything together and was finally ready to get the hell out of dodge. He states in the hit; "I will move away from here. You won't be afraid of fear...." Phoenix-Cobain reiterates -- "this is his final decision to get out of Seattle and inform his true wife that she's the one he really wants to be protecting from harm. He goes on to ensure Phoenix-Cobain that the affair with Love was never something he sought out in his heart or mind by stating: "No thought was put into this (their 'relationship'), I always knew it would come to this"... the "fall and separation of their faulty union" Phoenix-Cobain elaborates. He then goes on to attack Love's character like he is fond of doing by stating: "Nothing really bothers her. She just wants to love herself."

This song leaves a particularly wistful smile on Phoenix-Cobain's face when the lyric that makes her heart feel content for her husband's inner turmoil the most is dropped as his final annunciation that he did in fact have everything together to a point where he was in fact "getting out of the marriage to Love and Seattle, and possibly music itself. Or atleast Nirvana. When he states; 'I feel calm and warm inside. I no longer have to hide. I have never been so well. I have never felt so swell."

"Yeah. He was out of there. He had the whole thing arranged. But they still got him before he could get to the door. "Kurt has admitted that there really were times where he actually really did end up in his car. Start the engine. Put it in drive. And start down the drive to go find me." But like the song Shattered by the band O.A.R. mentions, against his better judgment and extreme self-doubt... he always ended up "turning the car around" and heading back home.

"I was still so young at the time though. Everything was off." But she is still in awe over how many songs actually have references directed to her.

"His whole catologue. Songs written speaking to nothing but me personally.... his 'secret inside source'. I truly am the relative that no one knew Kurt Cobain had. And THOSE ASSHOLES ARE GOING TO FRY. I promise you that. A TRILLION dollars for his life. And the GAS CHAMBER. That's it. I've had enough".

She sure has...

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Dave's song on the whole thing -- I'll be inviting him to my KURT COBAIN WAS MURDERED AWARENESS CAMPAIGN AT THE WHISKEY --

 Enjoy my notations:

"I'll Stick Around"

I thought I k:new
all it took to bother you
every word I said was true
and that you'll see

how could it be
I'm the only one who sees
your rehearsed insanity (yeah, murderer!)
I still refused
all the methods you abused
it's alright if you're confused
let me be

I've been around
all the pawns you've gagged and bound (yeah five deaths she's responsible for now)
they'll come back and knock you down (yep, I'm comin' Courtney)

I've taken all and I've endured
one day this all will fade I'm sure (NO IT WON"T NOT WITH ME AROUND!!)

I don't owe you anything [x4] (you owe kurt asshole! where's your song to him??)
I had no hand
in your ever desperate plan (to murder him)
it returns and when it lands
words are due (TO ME! ALL OF YOU!)

I should've known
we were better off alone (referring to his introduction of Kurt and Courtney like they needed HER help to succeed somehow...)
I looked and I was shown ( I was wrong)
you were too

I've taken all and I've endured
one day this all will fade I'm sure (NEVER!!)

I don't owe you anything [x8]

I'll stick around [x2]

and learn from all that came from it(YEAH, i'LL TEACH YOUR ASS!!)

Jesus. I find this one out now--

about this time, I find out YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT is directed to me as well, another evidential song to file in the case with the lawyers under COURTNEY"S DEAD MEAT!! CHECK THIS OUT SHIT SUCKERS:


Was he desperate, really desperate at this point?? Thinking he was bothering me and I was annoyed?? This song has the same urgent ring to it as the sporadic lines in LIVE THROUGH THIS: He goes back and forth between talking about me and to me, then talking about Courtney and the failed/fake marriage he was living through "No thought was put into this, I always knew it would come to this" A DIVORCE.

Then after some groveling to me, he goes back to mention her again: let's talk about someone else

And then the obvious lines right about Courtney: NOTHING REALLY BOTHERS HER SHE JUST WANTS TO LOVE HERSELF. STERLING SILVER BEGINS TO MELT STEAMING SOUP AGAINST HER MOUTH STEAMING SOUP BEGINS TO MELT-- she loved wearing sterling silver. And the reference about steaming soup begins to melt refers to how COLD she really is.

He goes on to define his contentment with the ending of his fake marriage to her and the idea of retrieving the beginning of his true relationship with me

"I'm so calm and warm inside. I no longer have to hide. I have never felt so well. I have never been so swell"

and.... this is the last song he releases, with those lyrics, right before.... he blows his brains out. ???

And then he states again:

"I will move away from here. You won't be afraid of fear." Yes. I needed his protection. Not HER. Then for a final blow to all you shit suckers who still think I'm out of my mind and full of shit... he states again and again::


"Yes. honey. It's you I am talking about!"

Yeah, assholes. I know I'm right!

Here's the full song:

"You Know You're Right"

I would never bother you
I would never promise to
I would never follow you
I would never bother you

Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear

No thought was put into this
Always knew it would come to this

Things have never been so swell
I have never felt this well

I have never felt so frail/
I have never failed to feel/
I have never felt to feel/
I have never failed to fail)

Pain! [x3]
You know you're right [x3]

I'm so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide

Let's talk about someone else
Sterling silver begins to melt

Steaming soup against her mouth/
Steaming soup begins to melt)

Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself

I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear

No thought was put into this
Always knew it would come to this

Things have never been so swell
I have never felt this well

I have never felt so frail/
I have never failed to feel/
I have never felt to feel/
I have never failed to fail)

Pain! [x5]
You know you're right [x17]

Pain ...

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Old project "Suicide Souls" gets swapped to "ROCK-N-ROLL SUICIDES" new theme!

I am amping the plot of this project up with a killer theme that revolves around seven suicide deaths who all go out in killer blazes of glory all to a different rock-n-roll song!! Check out this premesis::

Rock-n-Roll Suicides


They didn't live life to extreme, but when it came to their killer deaths they each stole a different rock-n-roll theme.....

The Characters:

The Rockstar

In his career he didn't amount to shit, but when it came to his last will and testament he wasn't afraid of taking one!

death song: 7 Shades of Red, perfomed by a variety version of Kurt Cobains.

The High School Kid

In high, she never amounted to a rock star, but in death she decided to break into the house of the biggest one of all, and go out with the ulitmate bang he went with....

death song: Perfect Drug, performed by Nine Inch Nails.

The Janitor

When it came to his intellect, he cleaned toilets with the precision of a scientist... and he grew up with the intelligence of one. With no family or money, his scientific dreams were never won, so he takes his demise in stride -- just a lonely fatherless son.

featuring the only ballad death song, The Scientist, performed by Coldplay.

The Writer Who Couldn't Spell For Shit

And finally said, this career is too damn hard, I quit!

death song: End Of The World As We Know It, Performed by R.E.M.

The Investment Banker

He finally said, to hell with the trade towers, and jumped off of 'em to prove it -- but he has company!

death song:  Laila, performed by Eric Claption.

The Thrill-Seeker

He was afraid of spiders but not cliffs... he knew in the end he'd eventually bite it!

death song:  The Kids Aren't Alright, performed by The Offspring.


The Lunatic

Taking other's lives was easy, but when it came to his own, he just couldn't get it right...

death song, Enter Sandman, performed by Metallica


The Indie Director Who Finally Said: Up Yer's Hollywood!

Cameo performed by Rose Phoenix-Cobain as The Director and the only one LEFT ALIVE.

This will be an epic film spoof with tons of cameos and scenes from classic films of our generation, from the 80's 90's and 2000's. It will be dedicated to the loving memory of, who else, Kurt Donald Cobain.

haha.... haha... it's so funny you stupid little nirvana fans!

Oh god honey... we got banned from the stupid little grunge forum board. Form a sentence with this assholes.  Kurt's been wandering alongside me since he died... yes his SOUL. More importantly his heart and my heart both are so connected none of your snide comments want to believe it because you are just green with stupidity. Who the FUCK do you truly think he wrote a song like I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE for???? Courtney?? OR maybe one of you pathetic shit suckers??? "YOU"RE THE ONE I WANNA REFILL....." yes that's right honey. I AM. "JUST ANOTHER QUIRKY CLICHED PHRASE.... " Now, see. shitsuckers.... Kurt was never a man to be won over. He was always only and forever about me. He was already unavailable heart-wise when Courtney entered the picture. Courtney's style: A. USE A MAN FOR EVERYTHING THEIR WORTH, AFTER GETTING THEM PREGNANT TO LOCK THEM IN,  PLOT THEIR MURDER ,  HAVE THEM WRITE YOUR BRILLIANT DEBUT ALBUM WITH LOVE LINES TO ANOTHER, AND PLANT LINES REGARDING  the PLOT TO PLAN YOUR MURDER and then say on your fake suicide note : I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER COURTNEY. Who are you motherfuckers so angry at???? Is it just too astounding to believe that Kurt's love for someone else can break life and death barriers and be discovered after he is dead versus if he were still alive searching aimlessly for me?? -- His TRUE INTENTIONS with that retirement letter.   "PLEASE DON"T FOLLOW ME. I DON"T KNOW WHERE I"M GOING.... I JUST CAN"T BE HERE ANYMORE. "   That was his true LAST WORDS TO THE CRAZY BITCH WHO HE PUT HIS DICK INTO JUST A COUPLE TIMES BEFORE HE REFUSED due to his LOVE FOR ME. You think I am really doing all this, the journal, my webpage, everything for ATTENTION??? I get enough attention based on my model-good-looks every day and when I have the money for the portfolio I need FROM MODELING with my good-looks maybe you will believe me when you see the picture and think... well... she does look like a MODEL maybe she isn't crazy??? Yeah, that's the way you shit suckers think isn't it..... FUCKERS!!!  Just another quirky cliched phrase.... you know how long it took Kurt to get my attention after he died??? A long long time. I insulted his music and writing ability for a long time because I can write twice as good twice as fast for twice as long and I am painfully afraid that his death and beating himself up about his intelligence and music leads straight back to me and MY INTELLIGENCE and TALENT that ASTOUNDS HIM. MORE SO THAN ANY PRETTY FACE WOULD. HE's MY HERO and I keep having to tell him that in a husband sense so he doesn't feel stupid. He did WAY MORE genius THINGS with the brilliant way he informed everyone of his untimely death in his lyrics that he was WAY MORE FOCUSED ON THAN TRYING TO IMPRESS ME OR ANY OF YOU to a point where HE IS A GENETICALLY-GIFTED GOD. I still haven't figured out why he didn't try to get the HELL OUT OF DODGE (LIKE HE DID) and HE KNEW his days were NUMBERED. READ HIS FUCKING LYRICS. He was coming for ME. The girl in the HEART-SHAPED BOX VIDEO that I HAVE AS MY SCREEN SAVER IS A DEPICTION OF ME, his TRUE WIFE as I AM GROWING UP. STRIKING FEATURES that I had as a CHILD and his little EYES INFATICALLY SINGING TO ME in the VIDEO as a clue as I SKIP AROUND IN THE BACK.... "HERE YOU ARE HONEY. YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE, TRAPPED BEHIND A BARRIER ,..... UNABLE TO GET TO ME.... BUT I LOVE YOU AND I TRIED TO WARN YOU!!!!" Now get your own lives and identities and QUIT picking on MINE. I am NOT CRAZY. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. IT'S IN MY SOUL... IT WAS IN HIS SOUL.... and STILL IS. ME FOR HIM. HIM FOR ME. AND THAT"S FINAL. GROW UP!    HALF OF YOU SHIT SUCKERS WHO ARE TALKING SHIT WEREN"T EVEN BORN YET WHEN KURT DIED SO WHAT THE FUCK  IS IT TO YOU ANYWAYS!!! Now if you'd excuse me, I have to contact THE RIGHT PEOPLE TO PLAN MY REAL EVENT to READ MY EULOGY since THE ONE PERSON who MATTERED MOST in HIS HEART and who HE MATTERED MOST TO didn't attend his actual funeral if their even was one! For the man who, actually wrote true words, in the context of YES, HIM OFFERING UP THE ABILITY TO ACTUALLY HAVE THE DESIRE TO DIE FOR ME, as in RUNNING IN FRONT OF A SPEEDING CAR in a CROWDED INTERSECTION to BLOCK ME FROM HARM not BLOWING HIS BRAINS OUT FOR, SADLY though, MAYBE THAT TOO, I MATTER TO HIM and HE IS EVERYTHING to me, I know him more inside than anyone ever DID OR DOES so eat SHIT and DIE  I Have things to DO.


I love you baby. *(YES KURT)

p.s. Francis You're STILL DEAD. I DON"T LIKE You'RE BULLSHIT and you're WHORE MOMMY is IN DEEP SHIT TOO !!!!



Bye Now.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I love you my precious. I contacted Jared's manager today with the information that he is your brother and needs to help us with the case. So cross your fingers. I love you my everything.

Love Always,


Saturday, July 6, 2013

a message from Kurt and a breakdown for the new series I'm working on --

Here is a little dialogue from Kurt regarding his rise to fame versus my struggling, after I hand him a charming little present of yellow American Spirit cigarettes ---

(to me at unplugged)
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm an asshole. This is rediculous."

(to audience)
"My wife has been struggling her ass off while I sit here on my ass. I hate this shit. Performing. And I'm done breaking her heart with it. She deserves everything I've earned... And I'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her..."

I encourage him to play one song or two if he wants, and he refuses... we exit the stage.

lights out, unplugged.
Here is a new series I am working on writing, producing and directing. It is going to be in vain of an afterschool special, Sweet Valley Highish only darker.... it is called "The Suicide Series".... it will be four short films with the same theme. I have written several taglines for each, they are listed below:

"The Beautiful One"


New to school, a boy with extraordinary good looks and a beautiful girlfriend, tries to make new friends, when he is thrown to the side for others because of his extreme beauty, he believes he is unwanted and outcasted due to personality and ugliness. He has always felt ugly due to his lack of relationships, and contemplates suicide with a note that reads his true feelings of disgust. In a shocking twist, he is finally let on to his outrageous physical beauty, sees it for the first time in photos and the mirror, and is so shocked it startles him into suicide any ways.....


- he was her everything, If he only could have loved himself too...
- when you've felt ugly your whole life, beauty is only skin deep....
- they say beauty is everything, but for him it was his greatest flaw...
- when you are this beautiful, all a friend is is a known enemy...

"Rock Star Suicide"


When a famous rock star has the notion to go out in history with a dramatic suicide death, his hollow, emotionless suicide note that he believes is sparkling and worthy of its plot changes the worlds opinion of him and instead of making a statement and big splash, his death revolts all his fans and sends them into a revolutionary frenzy...


- he was looking for the ultimate punchline, but in the end he still became the ultimate joke.
- all he ever wanted was just to burn out, but all he managed to do was fade away...
-he lavished in his rock star life... but in the end he paid at the ultimate price...
- his music was deep, but when it came to his suicide note, the cost of his words didn't come cheap.

"The Hollow"


A group of empty indivduals wreck havoc on a small town just to realize they were born with no souls. When they realize what it is like to have one, they go on a killing spree of the ones with them and end up experiencing the most frightful deaths on earth -- flash to black, then nothingness.


- how do you kill something that's already dead inside?
- when you're born with no soul, and the streets have no name, your body is empty and the soulful take the blame...
- their eyes are as vacant as their deaths...

"Tight Spaces"


A woman who is terrified of small areas finds herself wrongfully locked up into a tiny jail cell and then given a deadly lethal injection that does not kill her. She eventually awakes and finds herself buried alive in a tiny casket, and finally dies of a heart attack.


-when you're already clastrophobic, the fear of death has no boundaries...
-she went in for a soda, and ended up paying for it with her life....


"The Voice In The Crowd"

The fan from The Rockstar suicide who starts the revolutionary frenzy --


You were everything to me. I don't eat anything green either!!! I'd rather be dead than cool too!! But I needed you!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Kurt's true thoughts when I appear randomly at one of his famous shows --

*The following thoughts were prompted from his mind into mine during an imagined scenario together that we do often with each other of his true wife (me) appearing out of the blue at one of his live performances to surprise him. He was well aware of who I was and I'm next to sure that when I see that wedding ring on his finger during these shows that it signifies me and not Courtney.

Kurt's actual thoughts when he see's me:

"Oh my god. She's so beautiful. She's so beautiful. oh my god she's so beautiful. I'm never going to kill myself now. She's so beautiful. I'm so disgusting. I know she loves me. She's so beautiful. oh my god she's so beautiful".

But.... it was still murder as far as I know according to the lyrics!

I love you baby. YOU are beautiful. Not disgusting.

That was a sad night when I heard those thoughts in my head. I had a feeling.... don't judge a book by it's cover or its "written" suicide note. There are all kinds of demons hidden inside someone who would never mention or share these things to the harsh public in an actual suicide note.

*These thoughts, and dialogue took place during the Live and Loud performance at the end of '93, just five months before Kurt's body was discovered.

Monday, July 1, 2013

God's children

In case any of you are curious how me and Kurt are related and married when I wasn't actually there in pictures even though I was suppose to be and he still knows me as his wife...  the way we were born is not the same way convetional people were born. We are not actually the product of are birth parents kids but God's actual creation that he put together inside our "birth mom" that carried us and raised us. There are four people that are God's created children with astounding talent and great looks that mimic each others. Kurt and I are also half-brother and sister as well as spouses... Kurt has a brother, and that is half-brother Jared Leto and I have my half brother, River. God chose our parents to bare his own kids and that is how we are all connected. We stay only with our spouses so me and Kurt are very religious to not being with another. Kurt's genitalia actually burns if he puts it near another's. It is only meant to be inside of me. It's very romantic.


No luck.

Dear Kurt,

I'm losing my mind. The lawyers just aren't responding and I can't get a hold of anyone at Geffen. I miss you like crazy :-( I love you. I guess I'll just try to see what to do with the rest of the day. Lost my fucking cell phone charger now I'm screwed for calling you know who. I'm so lost without you. Talk to you soon.

Love. Always.

Saturday, June 29, 2013


1 + 1 = 2

My husband was an emasculated simpleton. With
a suicide note like that, could you blame him. This
note should be pretty easy to understand. He has
a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and
empathy. But by the time he figured that out...
it was too late. Kurt didn't blow his brains out.
He reduced his life to a blanket acn'ed with
cigarette burns. He was so lonely, sometimes
late at night he would head out to his cabin
in Carnation for some solitude and as he would
drift off into such a deep sleep sitting up against the
chest filled with Rolling Stone magazines that his
lit cigarette butt would drift aimlessly to the single
blanket he wrapped himself in and burn
the lining. At least that's how I imagine it.
Courtney Love offered 50,000 dollars to have my husband's
brains blown out. He had a wife. A real one. Someone
who truly yearned and waited and
and imagined speaking to him every single
He stated in one song, directed to me:
Bitter you. Bitter me. My better half
 has bitten me. Bitter you. Bitter me.
Sleeping with my enemy. He states
in another line, directly to Courtney:
You cripple. You take away my time
my peace. My empathy. Kurt was big
on empathy. He had the biggest heart.
Then he states: I will awake your highness.
I am so high I cannot walk. I will awake.
Kurt's body was found with three times
the lethel level of heroin in his system before
the shotgun was fired. Experts insured he
was not walking out of there, let alone
firing the shotgun at himself with that dosage.
I am so high I cannot walk. He finishes
the trend of lyrics off with "lesson learned,
wish me luck, soothe the burn, wake me
up." Lesson learned: marrying a murder.
wish me luck: on the outcome of this sticky
situation. Soothe the burn. Of heroin as it
enters his system. Wake me up. Yeah.
Kurt had no desire to die. He finally
states: I'm MARRIED. BURIED. Along
with: "In the sun I feed as one." Clearly
stating his establishment apart from Courtney
and her desperate plans to end his life.
Kurt loved me for what he was not. Someone
who does what they say, says what they mean and
means every word. Someone with an
ungodly amount of passion to do what
he did. At least he had the integrity to
admit in his own song that he
was not greatful for his place in the
world. I truly believe he would have been
happy at any job regardless as long as he
had the love in his life he desired. But with
a name like Kurt Cobain he only had one
option. Rock star. And he fullfilled it like
a duty. He needed his true wife by his
side. He was starving for it. When I came
across the secret line in one of his songs
for me that he planted that read: if you live
through this with me I swear that I will die
for you... I was floored. My first thought
was, could he be planning something risky
that he wouldn't come out of -- like perhaps
faking his own death to escape his murderers?
I had the most beautiful man in the universe willing
to die for me and all I got in the end was
a dead body with a suicide note that I
wouldn't wish on my own enemy. It's better
to burn out than to fade away? I can't imagine
him eager to leave that message in the mind of angsty
teenagers at the end of the day from his position... before
sticking a shotgun to his head and pulling the trigger. 70
copy-cat suicides followed his murder.
"Please don't follow me. I don't know where
I'm going. I just can't be here anymore."
Those were his last words to a disgruntled
Love before a note that could easily pass
for a retirement letter wound up in a planter
five feet away from his cold, lifeless body.
The soul is cheap. His soul was all I ever
wanted. But I need his body to hug, and
hold onto in a way none of you can imagine.
God is gay? Yeah. Good job honey. She
placed that witch in your path instead of
me, where I belong, and all because you
said "god is gay." Another one of your
big mouth slips that fucked us over
royally. "I hate myself and I want to die"
is one of the last songs Kurt wrote to
define his position in his life. Two lines
stand out to me the most: "broken heart
and broken bones" And "just think of the
way a castrated horse feels... you're the
one I wanna refill." He described the
sensation of not being with me to the
position of a castrated horse. A man not
fullfilling their whole purpose in life. To
live for me. That idea astounds me. It
is a beautiful metaphor for our loss.
And he will live through me for eternity.
And it will come down to murder charges.
I promise. You can quote me on that.
I love you, Kurt. May your Puma's rest
in peace.
Hi. I need you.

Friday, June 28, 2013

interview continued....

Here's the interview that will be available on my site as well.

Rose sits down for a one-on-one interview with the Daily Independent.

interviewer: So what first lead you to the realization that you belonged with Kurt in the early '90s, that time period, and not present in your current life and this period of time?
Rose: I had closed my feelings off for so many years because I knew it was pointless that I barely had a life with others and could barely function or concentrate on anything. I was writing scripts like crazy. Movie scripts, ironically, that took place about long lost soulmates. I began to do some research on a really gifted guitarist for one of my scripts and went to a book store for a particular book on him and I was just gazing through the music titles and my eyes landed on a book about Kurt. I can't even remember the title but I know I just pulled it slowly from the shelf and looked Kurt's photo straight in the eye and I knew there was something there. Something distinct.

interviewer: You were aware that you knew each other?
Rose: Not exactly. I knew that there were hidden feelings there that teetered on the line of love and hate. I always viewed him as the ultimate hypocrite. I always felt like I was in competition with him and that I was closer to being who Kurt Cobain stood for and was suppose to stand for that I despised him. I called it an 'invisible rivalry'. Four years down the road after writing my first beautiful apology letter to him on my blog I realized he wrote me a ton of lyrics twenty years prior, one line in particular that had me realize the rivalry wasn't so invisible. He writes: "I love you for what I'm not, I do not want what I've got." The whole thing is "Butterfly Effecty", everything happening in reverse. It's almost like he read my heartfelt letter first, and then went back and wrote the lyrics.
The book I was reading on him at the bookstore didn't really seem like there was much truth to it so I laid it back on the shelf and went about my business. But I started thinking about him again because of the book, he stuck in my mind. So I got drunk one night and went on a mad internet frenzy to find out all that I could find out about his death because I couldn't get it off of my mind. I stumbled on this website called "Justice For Kurt" and finally I was riveted. I was like oh my god. All these years of rolling my eyes at the sound of his name because of the suicide verdict... could he have really been murdered?? Him? I always knew suicide was his destiny... he suggested it to me through another one of his songs as the alternative to a life lived apart and I'm sure that will be my ultimate destiny too eventually because of this. I can barely function as it is without him. I smoke a lot of meth to keep my emotions up.

interviewer: So what happened after you discovered it could be murder?
Rose: I wrote the most emotional, beautiful apology letter to him on my blog where I spoke to him about all the years I spent hating him for killing himself, then I cried my eyes out, and instantly began my own little murder campaign. First I began writing dozens of letters to the mayor of Seattle regarding the reopening of the case, which you can all find on my blog as well. Then I took a much wanted trip up to Seattle, where I by-passed through Aberdeen to spend time at the place of his birth, before heading into the city to hang dozens of flyers for the police department to read regarding reopening the case. I knew the situation was more personal than just a random person posting flyers. I was very sensitive and protective over anyone reading them. I traveled there with a friend and he took a photograph of me standing in front of the old house holding up one of the flyers, me with a frown... and I realize now that that picture felt more like a photograph of one of those people who takes photos for events like September 11 when a loved one from their family has gone missing. Ironically, that's the closeness I held onto while I was hanging those flyers.

interviewer: What happened then?
Rose: I began hearing voices shortly after, one of them identifying themselves as Kurt in a different dimension still living his life while conversing with me and he told me a long story about how I was his wife trapped in a different time period and called me his time traveler's wife. He did mention his affair with Courtney as something casual. I believe he was originally attracted to her a small amount at the beginning... but as time went on, I think the feeling of being with me was the only thing appropriate in his heart and body that they probably weren't that intimate towards the middle and end of the relationship. After that the pictures I would find and look through of his felt really odd and strange. Like it really was going on in a different time period and he started looking more and more familiar from a personal perspective -- like I really did know him. Not just know him. But it got to a point where I was truly staring at the image of my husband. But how is that I asked myself... we've never technically met. Are memories of us together in this happy life we shared eventually going to come back like the movie "Frequency" or am I just going to have to imagine how perfect it was?

He took dozens of photographs for me as clues into the whole murder theory, and these pictures also look like something out of a movie like Momento that is hard to explain. It's like I really slipped through a crack in the earth's crust and he is coaxing me back to him somehow. While doing his best to survive and writing romantic lyrics to me.

interviewer: What do you think the reasoning behind this is?
Rose: We think that it was a psychlogical mistake amongst the gods when placing us where we needed to be mentally and emotionally and they messed up with the physical placement. In our minds, we are each others spouses and the yearning for the other is unreal in that context. So basically, I was meant to be back there with him in the early 90's at this age, versus him being with me now at the age of 46. He knew it. And knew I was his wife. And now I know it. And know he's my husband. It was a Fruedian slip, an identity misplacement. Can you imagine living your whole life that way? Away from your husband or wife for eternity when they are not even dead. It's been so hard. And he needed me more than I needed him. He stated I was only hungry for it, but he was starving for it. I am a more independent person, but Kurt is like a little baby who needs to be held. I also think the gods actually thought Courtney's placement with him was right, but she has a very dark soul. Just look at her. Kurt's soul is light just like mine. I'm what he wanted and needed. Not his murderer.

interviewer: Do you ever have resentment towards his life in the limelight versus yours struggling without him?
Rose: All the time. But I believe his soul is here with me after he died. So he's shrugging along too next to me, living the hard life. If I can ever get a lawyer to take our case I can get that money from Geffen. He's hard to reach and retired or I would have gotten it already. Want to hear my joke on how Dave Geffen got his start in music? So Dave Geffen's got a band of three musicians on either side of his desk. In the blink of an eye, he hands 'em a contract, flicks them all a quarter, shoots the lead, and takes a check for 200 million dollars. And that's the story of Nirvana. Ha ha.

interviewer: Funny. What do you do to get by on your spare time?
Rose: I have no spare time from him. He's everything. Like I said I smoke a lot of meth to get by with sadness and depression but I feel like I'm not gonna last much longer. When they hand me a check for 200 million dollars I'm just gonna rent a hotel room and sit there... staring at the wall and talking to him. Wishing his body was with me and not just his spirit. I've been rehearsing for a music show that I plan on putting on at the Whiskey a-go-go that will be in his honor and to bring awareness to the murder campaign... but other than that... my heart is in a billion pieces. We're screwed. He's dead. I'm screwed. And people are still getting away with murder.

interviewer: Do you think you will ever move on from him?
Rose: Never. He's embedded into my soul for eternity. It tugs at me like crazy whenever I even consider the remote possibility of being with someone else. But no one compares. It's no contest. He was everything I always wanted. Perfect for me. My own little blonde rock star. His little greasy head drives me crazy. I adore him. Until we're together in the next life, we both have to suffer. Until then, I'm just going to try and get our story out there to others because I am sick of everyone thinking Courtney was the woman he really loved. It's rediculous. I'm ready to be known for that. I'm considering contacting Barbara Walters. God willing. Anyway, That's it. I'm done.

interviewer: Thank you for your time and sorry for your loss.
Rose: Thank you.

I've started posting an interview as well as a eulogy-type article I wrote on my site. Just go to the more section and click on interviews.

Do any of you have any idea what it's like to have compassion for the death of who you think is a random stranger and then realize, oh, my god. Is that my husband?? It's chilling and tramatizing all at once. This has never happened before. I will be posting an interview on my site soon.... stay tuned....

Thursday, June 27, 2013

check this out --

I rewrote Violet, check it out on my site      under the interests section. I'm also going to have a murder facts video under the video section available for viewing soon and check out some of my quotes pertaining to me and Kurt under the more section too.


Tuesday, June 25, 2013


R.I.P Leland Cobain, thank you for such a warm, friendly letter and for reading my book. I love your grandson, don't worry he's safe with me.

Hey shitbirds, I'm starting my own website that will have lots of images of me (when I can afford them) music that I record and more personal things about me particularly. I've started it up and you can view it here at this address:


Monday, June 24, 2013

Journey wrote their biggest hit about us --

through space and time
always another show
wondering where I am
lost without you
being apart ain't easy on this love affair
two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh, girl you stand by me
I'm forever yours

All Apologies

I cannot believe Kurt's clairvoyancey.... In ALL APOLOGIES, it is clear he is stating this as his last song on his last album of his life that he will ever be able to justify his speaking to everyone, as if he was literally hostage and under siege in his "marriage" to Courtney. On one of the songs from Live Through This he states, "I shut my mouth with glue", as if he was held captive and had no right to speak... Well on ALL APOLOGIES, he reiterates this with the line: "What else should I write? (or say before I die unwillingly?) I don't have the right..."   At first I thought this meant the "right" as a writer where freedom of speach was concerned.... now it looks like, he was implying his rights to speak have been taken from him by her. Just like his freedom. A real hostage??


This is insane honey. I need you. I love you. Why will no one listen to me. No braincells. All morons! Read the fucking lyrics from In Utero and Live Through This how it all plays out. Idiots. I hate you all. Keep worshipping your "grunge queen" murderous well I beg people to listen to the truth.

Fuck you.
All the quotes you see on this site were directed to me. I am having a hard time with getting the story into magazines so I have turned to the newspapers in Seattle, Aberdeen and Olympia. With the headline:

"Kurt Cobain had a true wife whom he loved dearly, says his death was undoubtly murder"
"speaking from the tongue of an 'experienced' simpleton who would rather be an 'emasculated' 'infantile' complainee..... this note should be pretty easy to understand...

TO BODDAH. Code word for, help, I'm in trouble?? I went through a faze where I thought I was referred to as his imaginary best friend from birth. 'emasculated'? Taken advantage of in the worst way possible? I know how much red tape is in this letter. He referred to himself as an experienced 'simpleton' .... making a severe mistake marrying Courtney? And trusting the wrong people? "Infantile" ?  Kicking himself for his mistakes??

I'm working on this honey. They are going to fry.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

my adapted version of Blink 182's song Lost without you that I will be performing as my final dedication song to Kurt at the show...

I swear that I can go on forever again
please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover... your friend...
give me your lips, and with one kiss we begin

are you afraid of being alone, cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of leaving tonight, cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
where are you now, I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
and if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

(my written part)

(soft, dreamy)
I really wanted my light to shine above you
I wouldn't put up a fight to cry and hug you
we'd be everything right me beside you
we'd be a heavenly sight no pain surrounds you

(lowers to a whisper)
We'll meet again at Leonard Cohen's...
our pain will end when we see Times Roman
I'll be around in a flyin' delorean
They'll be no sound but my arms come around

(barely audible)
god grant me peace for my love is in the ground
my heart was broke without a single resinent sound

are     you    afraid   of   bein'  alone    cause I am, I love you
are     you    afraid   of   bein'  alone    cause I am, I miss you

I'm lost without you

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Lithium gets analyzed and Kurt's 'honest truth' in his desired life --

To all you Nirvana fans who are still alive after the school bombing:

I am still pretty shocked that such a big hit like Lithium was written completely about me. I've read some of your supposed ideas online of what you think the song is about... most of you think it's just a take on someone having a 'nervous breakdown'.... yeah right.

Well I am gonna diagnose the whole song for you bastards right here so you will now be aware of its true meaning. It is about hearing my voice and seeing my image in his head, having the opportunity to spend time with me and be with me (his real wife) atleast in his head since I wasn't actually present in his life.

The same way I have had versions of Kurt in my head that I've talked to and spent time with. But the catch is, he is telling me in the song that although the images look and feel like him, and represent him, they are NOT really him so get rid of them by taking the drug lithium -- "I KILL you I'm not gonna crack"... I have been subscribed the drug lithium and it's ceased to help me yet with the voices and images. Thanks, hon. The voices and images can actually simulate having sex so it's been a nightmare -- having them act as though Kurt is being with another woman.

The line, "I'm so ugly, that's okay cause so are you" is referring to the fact that me and Kurt both feel as though we possess the 'ugly gene' and neither one of us felt particularly that attractive growing up and regardless of what we look like now... we still feel unattractive on the inside. I truly feel and I believe that as gorgeous as Kurt became as he got older, he had absolutely NO clue about it and still felt as though he was the ugly duckling in the world.

On Hole's Live Through This album he spouts off about Courtney's obssession with looks and her passion for "anorexic magazines"... it's almost as if he was referring to her as a snob and alhough I'm more attractive than Courtney physically, he thought I was more on the same page as him when it came to being and feeling unattractive to a point where looks weren't the first thing on our mind as a couple. He states -- "we look the same, we talk the same... we are the same we are the same...."

In the song he also states, "I'm so excited I can't wait to meet you there", this I've mentioned before and I believe he may be referring to the fact that, just like me, one of the voices he heard in his head identified themselves as "god" (he also wrote the line "I'm not scared, light my candles, in a daze cause I've found GOD.") And just as the voice I was conversing with in my head that identified themselves as "god" told me on numerous occasions that if I were to committ suicide, I would be teleported to a different dimension where Kurt is still alive and well and then we could be together. I fear that "god" may have told him the same thing and that is what the line "I can't wait to meet you there" was referring to. Meeting me in a different dimension.

I was close to killing myself several times living for this belief. I sincerely hope Kurt didn't fall for it and take the plunge for that reason. He also states, "I'm so horny, that's okay my will is good" this is revolving around the fact that he was needy for me (his true wife, yes it's true assholes) so needy for me all the time that it was hard to handle. "my will is good" is a very beautiful 'old-fashion' way of saying, "It's okay to be this turned on by the situation because it's for her and only her and I love her dearly".... Don't hate! Just kidding.

"I like it I'm not gonna crack" -- conversing with you in my mind.
"I love you I'm not gonna crack" -- he truly did love me more than anything assholes.
"I miss you I'm not gonna crack" -- although we've never truly met in person, we knew we were each other's spouses and possess the type of yearning for each other that is only possessed by that type of relationship.
"I kill you I'm not gonna crack" -- although it was great to communicate with me in his mind, he knew it wasn't really me and he knew it was too distracting to live like that so he had to take lithium to get rid of it.

"I'm not gonna crack" is referring to the act of going completely crazy being away from me his whole life. Which also brings up the line "I'm so lonely, that's okay I shaved my head" referring to exactly how distraught and alone he felt without me being there for him in his life.

NOW you know what Lithium is about and understand that his 'relationship' with Courtney was NOT warranted and he did NOT consider her his true 'wife'.

Now I will elaborate on what we would have wanted as a whole if we were let to be together like we were suppose to be. After the release of In Utero and Hole's Live Through This album (that I would have performed if I was there) Kurt would have relished in the fact of stepping out into the world with me and worshipped the opportunity of presenting me as his real wife. If you notice a lot of his images, he looks completely tired and warn down from missing me.

We would have either chose two things: to just banish together from existence and fly off to a deserted island somewhere and live happily ever after together or Kurt would have dumped Nirvana and went completely solo as an electric guitarist without a band on center stage (making history and changing music), like my own little blonde Elvis, and perform the songs that I write for him. I'm telling you guys, he would have been HUGE. A REAL LEGEND. Starting off his career with "Rock-N-Roll Glory"..... Someone give me my rock-n-roll glory. I just want my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory!

The end. God I miss him.

Friday, June 21, 2013

I'd like to put all the Nirvana fans in a school gymnasium and bomb it. Perfect.

updated the song check it out at the end zone now has title --

She's overboard and self assured
oh no I know a dirty little word
what we are and what we were doesn't
keep us from bein' disturbed

the static erratic exertion
stems from my chromatic assertion
breeding from synthetic inertia
from a systematic need to not hurt ya

my spagetti confetti is ready
who we are is better than tom and petty
tom and jerry are surely scary
like a collectic effectic don't marry

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

my name is in vain halleluja
I'll stick a pistol and missile right to ya
in stripes I can't gripe civil hoopla
I'm trite and you're right ditty-dooda
a synthetic gallactic exertion
is better than my collective assertion

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

my corny story is so goddamn boring
when will I get my rock-n-roll glory
a zombie with no mommy is perfection
seven years to life's infection

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

she's overboard and self-assured
oh no I know a dirty little word
who we are and what we were doesn't keep us
from bein' disturbed

my libido for ya is a real possession
I just hope I don't get an erection
a systematic galactic attack
like dodgin' bullets in desert iraq

who we are and what we were doesn't
keep us from bein' disturbed
just like an old black and white movie
will I ever get a hot little groupie
you be me and I'll be you
but I'd rather be watchin' scooby doo

my life is like a neverending story
will I ever have some rock-n-roll glory
it's a crock that I really don't rock
churning and burning straight around the clock

my spagetti confetti is burning
but I tell ya I'm surely still learning
a synthetic erratic attack
I got all these monkey's straight on my back

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

(break it down real soft dreamy guitar in same melody, Kurt's voice is soft, sung like a chant)

a mulatto, albino, mosquito
let's take the time to talk about my libido
she's so fine I'm so high it's illegal
a mulatto, albino, mosquito
thank good god for that spiraling libido

acunamatatta mulatta
I'll get mine thanks to persona
but all the antifreeze stings like

a biscotti mulatti my hottie
we'd wine and dine in time; Liberace
a mulatto, albino, mosquito
thank good god for that primal libido
I'm gonna ride ya like Evel Knievel

acunamatatta mulatta
your spagetti's best with avocada

acunamatatta mulatta
thank good godda mattata
a prolactic symphatic decision
bears an erratic collaboric collision
an authentic rutentic derisen
resides in my synthetic unison
oh my god she makes me so horny
I'll give her a little of my rock-n-roll glory
little ceasar's sure does please her
I swear to god I'll never leave ya
a rock star with a flashy little guitar
is on par to a propylactic surcharge 
when will you pay me when I'm workin' daily
this time I'm on fines to mother fuckin' save me
a synthetic gallactic attack
I'm sick of breakin' my mother fuckin' back
when will my spagetti be ready
I'll tell ya when then throw some confetti
my corny story is so goddamn boring
when will i get my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory
give me my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory
when will i have my rock-n-roll glory
gimme gimme my rock-n-roll glory
i really want my rock-n-roll glory
give me my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory (x10)

screech of guitar, explosion

(low snare drum cadence fade out)

Thursday, June 20, 2013

A speech that I put together for my Charity show at the Whiskey in honor of Kurt --


"Would you kill this man? Look at him. Would you pay someone to kill him, burn his body, then keep his hair in a jug as a momento?? He was so beautiful. Too beautiful to make it out of that marriage alive.

(long pause)

Kurt's shoe size is a size ten. I got that from staring at his dead body in the window long enough. I went through a faze where I thought he was still alive. But those are definately his shoes. His hand... and his leg in that window.

I spent half my life hating Kurt because I thought he was just a spoiled little rich guy who took my right of suicide away from me and put it on himself -- like he had any right to complain. I thought his life was great. But when you need this kind of love in the worst way; he said he was STARVING for it; then suicide can be one answer to ending the pain.

I closed my feelings off to him for two decades, then when I decided to face it, I discovered it wasn't suicide afterall but cold-blooded murder -- with that I finally found the 'empathy' to forgive him. It didn't occur to me that he may have known who I was too. When I discovered all the lyrics directed to me I was flabbergasted. My first thought was 'oh my god'... twenty years??

Could he have possibly thought I was reading those lyrics as it took place in the early 90's or was he aware I wouldn't read them until later on... My worst moment is when I realized he may have had a suicide 'pact' with me that I wasn't aware of -- he stated -- "hold you close like we both just died , my ever pressing suicide, my stupid fuck my blushing bride (there he is beating himself up again about marrying the wrong woman) and then 'o tear my heart out tear my heart out'... he must have been devastated.

Could he have been waiting for me to kill myself too in order to meet in the afterlife?? As our only way to be together? Twenty years I waited to come to that possible realization. He mentions it in Lithium too -- "I can't wait to meet you there. I'm excited and I'm not scared. Light my candles because I've found God." Then he speaks of the type of afterworld he wants, where he can 'sigh eternally'... without me? Waiting for me?

Twenty years and here I sit. Still alive. I sincerely pray that that was not what his idea was and that I wasn't just suppose to know that. I would have been there in a heartbeat honey, If I'd known. I still feel like he is waiting aimlessly for me to do it. I keep a journal online that I devote to him and write in it every night. He's the only person I came to earth for. It was suppose to be just me and him. In the whole universe. We would have been the true definition of 'happily ever after'.

But thanks to space and time and a whole lot of crazy people we won't get that chance in this life... or will we? So this last song is dedicated to him whole-heartedly. And I have a message for Courtney Love: Your time is coming. I want all his possessions -- if you haven't burnt them along with his body. His soul belongs to me. Do not even think of 'tending' to it.
You cripple. And he shuts his mouth with glue. So here's a dedication to Kurt..."

To hell with Guitar World!

Hi, my name is Rose Phoenix-Cobain and I am Kurt's true WIDOW. This last month you featured him in your GONE TOO SOON series and I breezed over the article and noticed that you used one of his lyrical passages as a quote:
"I do not want what I've got". As if he was directing it to you shitsuckers in the public eye to define his distaste for his "career" or something.
Well this sentence is part of a PERSONAL PHRASE that Kurt wrote directly to me after the line: "I love you for what I'm not" there is a PERSONAL meaning between us that has NOTHING to do with the audience of your magazine or "fans" of Nirvana.
You have no right printing that when you are not familiar with the TRUE meaning behind it and the person it was dedicated to. I have half the mind to sue you for this situation if I wasn't trying my hardest to get mine and Kurt's love story in your magazine.
You probably won't even read this, but I've had enough bullshit. Write an apology letter in your mag regarding this or you're DEAD.

p.s. to you jerks -- if some of you are wondering about my name, I was not born a COBAIN... I took Kurt's last name after this situation. It's not my given name... it's a hyphened married one.
guitar world magazine is going to DIE. They took our personal phrase "I do not want what I've got" and used it in their article to make it appear that you are just offering this profound phrase as if just "venting" to a mass audience about your displeasure.

You're DEAD assholes!!!!!! Eat SHIT.
Hey assholes on grunge forum
Quit talking like you know
Him and are friends. He hates you.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Merrium-Webster take note --

contradictionary: verb: definition: To be in exact opposition of your thoughts, actions and placement in society to the highest level of false standings. To be worse than just a simple contradiction, to the extent of your whole life being one big falsehood.

contradictionary lies: adverb: definition: lies that are on such a grand scale of opposition to the honest truth of one's existence that themselves as a whole is a fraud. i.e. living a lie.

Now... that you now how kurt felt about his life and self in your eyes and the one the media portrayed... keep reading letterstokurt for the REAL TRUTH. Bastards.
James Gandofini died honey! He was so good in True Romance! That would of been us.... Courtney wanted to be Sid and Nancy with your sweet ass and she played sid really well with your murder... but we would have been Clarence and Alabama Woorly. Perfect. I love you. I left a kick ass message to Jimmy Levine at interscope so we should have the check very soon.... left my number, they better respond if they know what's best!

Quit reading this blog if you don't believe it. I don't need help. It's all true assholes. Talk to God. He's the only one I respond to....

Kurt and River both got murdered for their looks. People can't handle that form of sexuality and I still wouldn't have doubts if Anthony Kiedes is behind it all. Stop reading and stop being assholes. I don't need help it's true.... it's something I've known my whole life. Fuck you.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Hey honey... I need you. I need to get off the street. I'm still trying the lawyers, what is their problem... 200 million??? I don't know. Maybe time magazine will respond with an amount. Cross your fingers. I love you.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Dear Kurt,

bewwwwww..... honey, I miss you. I think I lost my whole rap song and it was kick ass. I would have loved to post the whole thing on here. boo-hoo. Trying to get to Wed. so I can get my check and finally have another laptop. This shit at the library is a pain. I emailed the Whiskey booking dept. about my show so cross your fingers... would love to get money out of that. Oh, I'm sure you already know but I didn't even make it on to the front door property of Geffen records because of security. I'll figure something else out. I love you... goodnight.


my charity show for the Whiskey song line-up..

So here's the show I'm putting together for the Whiskey with me on vocals that will be a charity event for Suicide Prevention Outreach... it's got kind of a theme going on... it will be a dedication to Kurt --

 1st set

1. Come Sail Away - Styx
2. Anyway you want it - Journey
3. I would do anything for love - Meatloaf
4. Making love out of nothin' at all - Air Supply
5. Glory Nights - Scorpions

2nd set

6. Bring on your dancin' horses - Echo and the Bunnymen
7. Heroes - David Bowie
8. Under Pressure - Queen/David Bowie
9. All these things that I've done - Killers
10. Brick in the wall - Pink Floyd
11. Bullet the blue sky - U2
      With or Without you - U2

A bit on Jesus bumper stickers

3rd set

12. Somethin' to believe in - Poison
13. I can only imagine - Mercy Me
14. I will wait for you - Mumford and Sons
14a. Flight of the apollo adaptation - AVA
15. Alive - P.O.D.

Axl Rose bit

4th set

15. Civil War - Guns - N - Roses
16. Blaze of Glory - Bon Jovi
17. Somethin's happening here - Buffalo Springfield
18. Freebird - Lynard Skynard (by request!)

90's interlude/90's song compilation

5th set

19. Thirty-three - Smashing Pumpkins
20. Hit 'em up - Tupac
21. Radio Friendly Unit Shifter - Nirvana
21a. Hurt - Johnny Cash
21b. Round here - Counting Crows
22. Shattered - O.A.R.

6th Set

23. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zepplin
24. Highway to hell/Hells Bells - AC/DC
25. Jim Morrison Speech/mojo risin'/ Break on through to the other side - The Doors
26. Fly to the angels - Slaughter
27. I'll never let you go (angel eyes)- Steelheart


27. Faithfully - Journey
28. The Rose - Bet Midler
29. Where did you sleep last night - Nirvana cover version
30. Platinum/Baby Baby Baby - Justin Bieber

John Lennon bit

31. Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue
32. Wherever you will go - The Calling
33. The impression that I get - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones


34. Violet - Hole
35. Love Buzz - Nirvana

Dedication to Kurt

lost without you - Blink 182

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

To all the Nirvana fans reading this site::

If you find my email somewhere on here or online or find a way to get a rude comment to me regarding anything on this blog I will not tolerate it. Please don't contact me with rude remarks. I've been through enough losing Kurt twice... First when I found out I was in love with him and he was already gone... then when I found out he was in love with me and he was taken from me by way of murder. My life ended when I was sixteen because of his death... I don't need anymore bullshit.

A speach I wrote for Kurt when he had that dispute with AXL --

I don't know how many of you know of that whole scenario between Axl Rose and Kurt during a few different occurences, it was about the time Nevermind was huge and gaining momentum... Axl said something in an interview bashing the heroin usage of Courtney during her pregnancy and Kurt dissed Axl's security squad saying it was rediculous. Well this is a little something we put together based on Axl's Civil War song and his love for sporting the rebel flag. I thought Kurt looked like a dork who just wanted to hit up and give some shit to a big rock star like Axl when he first made it so I wrote this in order to up his game and give him more credit.

Kurt dialogue as if he was here with me in the future THEN went back to that point in time for the arguement, Check out the references for future things that took place long after 91 or 92 when the arguement took place, picture big award show setting:

Title: What a fucking asshole


"Hey Axl, doesn't it bother you wearin' that confederate flag bandanna being from Indiana and all? You're not a yankee there let alone a rebel. Talkin' to a mid-westerner about the North and South and the Civil War is like talkin' to a Californian about how the west was won.... and I'm not talkin' about the Mexicans and Indians either -- I'm talkin' Tupac and Biggie.

I thought you were from Oklahoma or something the way you went off in that song -- the last state in the union... "my hands are tied...."

(Kurt chuckles)
Yeah, I bet...

a mid-westerner who thinks he's a Yankee and claims to be a Southerner.

My wife was born in the North grew up in the South and the niggers still picked on her for being a yankee -- figure that one out if you wanna talk semantics about what the civil war did for our nation.

She had two grandfathers fight in both the army and navy during world war II and sure KNOWS our pledge of allegiance.

What can you say for your four fathers??

What a crock of shit. You should be sportin' the white freedom flag of liberty than the redneck staple. By the way before you start callin' me white trash and goin' on about Courtney shootin' up heroin while pregnant with our bastard baby... I'll worry about what my real wife is doin' as she googles on her WiFi images of Frances in love with me. That's my business.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate"....

(Kurt chuckless and shakes his head again)
I'll say....

It's assholes like you that make me proud to be an American just so I can talk shit. And by the way... ask me about President Obama some time. See what your redneck ass thinks about that.

But great song, that Civil War.

(he begins to whistle the beginning riff while holding up a copy of a cassette tape)
Kurt dialogue:
"Don't worry, when you decide not to write the song now.... I'll still have my copy.

(Axl scoffs, snickering)
You know they make CD'S now.

Kurt chuckles.
Yeah, I know. Mine just went platinum.


Kurt rolls his eyes while walking away....


(get it?? nevermind?? LOL)

Kurt (turning back, cont'd)
John Lennon wrote a song similiar to yours where he didn't know what the hell he was talkin' about and it got him shot. Remember that next time you try to be something you're not.

Kurt turns to leave, mumbling to his entourage --

Jesus christ.

Light a match on that guy... Axl Rose.... what a fucking asshole...."

Monday, June 10, 2013

memo to GEFFEN RECORDS ::::::

Geffen Records/Interscope Records and A & R and all it's subsidaries is about to be held accountable for 71 counts of murder . You have two choices. Author a check for 200 million dollars under the Geffen Records label brand immediately or go to jail for the MURDER of KURT COBAIN and the 70 plus suicides of random teenagers that occured across the world in succession of HIS faulty one. 200 million is the number in profits that Geffen records stood to earn at the peak of Kurt's death. And you will NOT and CANNOT make the profit off of the death of a broken-hearted man. My name is Rose Phoenix-Cobain and I am Kurt's true WIDOW. I have proof beyond reasonable doubt that his ex-wife and YOUR record company were in charge of his murder. The money earned in record sales for his death was earned by my husband's good name and TALENTS and is considered BLOOD MONEY for a death that Geffen took a part in. Even if Kurt's death was a legitimate suicide, you still CANNOT profit off of that of an emotional, personal decision of one's self.

200 million dollars. Or you ALL go to jail for 71 COUNTS OF MURDER by and for the placement of that FAULTY "suicide" note left at the scene of the crime. A note that is better known as my husband's RETIREMENT LETTER. 200 million. I have been living on the street and I will NOT be going through a lawyer that I cannot afford -- I will be going through the POLICE.