REWRITTEN EULOGY

1 + 1 = 2

My husband was an emasculated simpleton. With
a suicide note like that, could you blame him. This
note should be pretty easy to understand. He has
a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and
empathy. But by the time he figured that out...
it was too late. Kurt didn't blow his brains out.
He reduced his life to a blanket acn'ed with
cigarette burns. He was so lonely, sometimes
late at night he would head out to his cabin
in Carnation for some solitude and as he would
drift off into such a deep sleep sitting up against the
chest filled with Rolling Stone magazines that his
lit cigarette butt would drift aimlessly to the single
blanket he wrapped himself in and burn
the lining. At least that's how I imagine it.
Courtney Love offered 50,000 dollars to have my husband's
brains blown out. He had a wife. A real one. Someone
who truly yearned and waited and
and imagined speaking to him every single
day.
He stated in one song, directed to me:
Bitter you. Bitter me. My better half
 has bitten me. Bitter you. Bitter me.
Sleeping with my enemy. He states
in another line, directly to Courtney:
You cripple. You take away my time
my peace. My empathy. Kurt was big
on empathy. He had the biggest heart.
Then he states: I will awake your highness.
I am so high I cannot walk. I will awake.
Kurt's body was found with three times
the lethel level of heroin in his system before
the shotgun was fired. Experts insured he
was not walking out of there, let alone
firing the shotgun at himself with that dosage.
I am so high I cannot walk. He finishes
the trend of lyrics off with "lesson learned,
wish me luck, soothe the burn, wake me
up." Lesson learned: marrying a murder.
wish me luck: on the outcome of this sticky
situation. Soothe the burn. Of heroin as it
enters his system. Wake me up. Yeah.
Kurt had no desire to die. He finally
states: I'm MARRIED. BURIED. Along
with: "In the sun I feed as one." Clearly
stating his establishment apart from Courtney
and her desperate plans to end his life.
Kurt loved me for what he was not. Someone
who does what they say, says what they mean and
means every word. Someone with an
ungodly amount of passion to do what
he did. At least he had the integrity to
admit in his own song that he
was not greatful for his place in the
world. I truly believe he would have been
happy at any job regardless as long as he
had the love in his life he desired. But with
a name like Kurt Cobain he only had one
option. Rock star. And he fullfilled it like
a duty. He needed his true wife by his
side. He was starving for it. When I came
across the secret line in one of his songs
for me that he planted that read: if you live
through this with me I swear that I will die
for you... I was floored. My first thought
was, could he be planning something risky
that he wouldn't come out of -- like perhaps
faking his own death to escape his murderers?
I had the most beautiful man in the universe willing
to die for me and all I got in the end was
a dead body with a suicide note that I
wouldn't wish on my own enemy. It's better
to burn out than to fade away? I can't imagine
him eager to leave that message in the mind of angsty
teenagers at the end of the day from his position... before
sticking a shotgun to his head and pulling the trigger. 70
copy-cat suicides followed his murder.
"Please don't follow me. I don't know where
I'm going. I just can't be here anymore."
Those were his last words to a disgruntled
Love before a note that could easily pass
for a retirement letter wound up in a planter
five feet away from his cold, lifeless body.
The soul is cheap. His soul was all I ever
wanted. But I need his body to hug, and
hold onto in a way none of you can imagine.
God is gay? Yeah. Good job honey. She
placed that witch in your path instead of
me, where I belong, and all because you
said "god is gay." Another one of your
big mouth slips that fucked us over
royally. "I hate myself and I want to die"
is one of the last songs Kurt wrote to
define his position in his life. Two lines
stand out to me the most: "broken heart
and broken bones" And "just think of the
way a castrated horse feels... you're the
one I wanna refill." He described the
sensation of not being with me to the
position of a castrated horse. A man not
fullfilling their whole purpose in life. To
live for me. That idea astounds me. It
is a beautiful metaphor for our loss.
And he will live through me for eternity.
And it will come down to murder charges.
I promise. You can quote me on that.
I love you, Kurt. May your Puma's rest
in peace.

Hi. I need you.

interview continued....

Here's the interview that will be available on my site as well.


Rose sits down for a one-on-one interview with the Daily Independent.


interviewer: So what first lead you to the realization that you belonged with Kurt in the early '90s, that time period, and not present in your current life and this period of time?
Rose: I had closed my feelings off for so many years because I knew it was pointless that I barely had a life with others and could barely function or concentrate on anything. I was writing scripts like crazy. Movie scripts, ironically, that took place about long lost soulmates. I began to do some research on a really gifted guitarist for one of my scripts and went to a book store for a particular book on him and I was just gazing through the music titles and my eyes landed on a book about Kurt. I can't even remember the title but I know I just pulled it slowly from the shelf and looked Kurt's photo straight in the eye and I knew there was something there. Something distinct.

interviewer: You were aware that you knew each other?
Rose: Not exactly. I knew that there were hidden feelings there that teetered on the line of love and hate. I always viewed him as the ultimate hypocrite. I always felt like I was in competition with him and that I was closer to being who Kurt Cobain stood for and was suppose to stand for that I despised him. I called it an 'invisible rivalry'. Four years down the road after writing my first beautiful apology letter to him on my blog I realized he wrote me a ton of lyrics twenty years prior, one line in particular that had me realize the rivalry wasn't so invisible. He writes: "I love you for what I'm not, I do not want what I've got." The whole thing is "Butterfly Effecty", everything happening in reverse. It's almost like he read my heartfelt letter first, and then went back and wrote the lyrics.
The book I was reading on him at the bookstore didn't really seem like there was much truth to it so I laid it back on the shelf and went about my business. But I started thinking about him again because of the book, he stuck in my mind. So I got drunk one night and went on a mad internet frenzy to find out all that I could find out about his death because I couldn't get it off of my mind. I stumbled on this website called "Justice For Kurt" and finally I was riveted. I was like oh my god. All these years of rolling my eyes at the sound of his name because of the suicide verdict... could he have really been murdered?? Him? I always knew suicide was his destiny... he suggested it to me through another one of his songs as the alternative to a life lived apart and I'm sure that will be my ultimate destiny too eventually because of this. I can barely function as it is without him. I smoke a lot of meth to keep my emotions up.

interviewer: So what happened after you discovered it could be murder?
Rose: I wrote the most emotional, beautiful apology letter to him on my blog where I spoke to him about all the years I spent hating him for killing himself, then I cried my eyes out, and instantly began my own little murder campaign. First I began writing dozens of letters to the mayor of Seattle regarding the reopening of the case, which you can all find on my blog as well. Then I took a much wanted trip up to Seattle, where I by-passed through Aberdeen to spend time at the place of his birth, before heading into the city to hang dozens of flyers for the police department to read regarding reopening the case. I knew the situation was more personal than just a random person posting flyers. I was very sensitive and protective over anyone reading them. I traveled there with a friend and he took a photograph of me standing in front of the old house holding up one of the flyers, me with a frown... and I realize now that that picture felt more like a photograph of one of those people who takes photos for events like September 11 when a loved one from their family has gone missing. Ironically, that's the closeness I held onto while I was hanging those flyers.

interviewer: What happened then?
Rose: I began hearing voices shortly after, one of them identifying themselves as Kurt in a different dimension still living his life while conversing with me and he told me a long story about how I was his wife trapped in a different time period and called me his time traveler's wife. He did mention his affair with Courtney as something casual. I believe he was originally attracted to her a small amount at the beginning... but as time went on, I think the feeling of being with me was the only thing appropriate in his heart and body that they probably weren't that intimate towards the middle and end of the relationship. After that the pictures I would find and look through of his felt really odd and strange. Like it really was going on in a different time period and he started looking more and more familiar from a personal perspective -- like I really did know him. Not just know him. But it got to a point where I was truly staring at the image of my husband. But how is that I asked myself... we've never technically met. Are memories of us together in this happy life we shared eventually going to come back like the movie "Frequency" or am I just going to have to imagine how perfect it was?

He took dozens of photographs for me as clues into the whole murder theory, and these pictures also look like something out of a movie like Momento that is hard to explain. It's like I really slipped through a crack in the earth's crust and he is coaxing me back to him somehow. While doing his best to survive and writing romantic lyrics to me.

interviewer: What do you think the reasoning behind this is?
Rose: We think that it was a psychlogical mistake amongst the gods when placing us where we needed to be mentally and emotionally and they messed up with the physical placement. In our minds, we are each others spouses and the yearning for the other is unreal in that context. So basically, I was meant to be back there with him in the early 90's at this age, versus him being with me now at the age of 46. He knew it. And knew I was his wife. And now I know it. And know he's my husband. It was a Fruedian slip, an identity misplacement. Can you imagine living your whole life that way? Away from your husband or wife for eternity when they are not even dead. It's been so hard. And he needed me more than I needed him. He stated I was only hungry for it, but he was starving for it. I am a more independent person, but Kurt is like a little baby who needs to be held. I also think the gods actually thought Courtney's placement with him was right, but she has a very dark soul. Just look at her. Kurt's soul is light just like mine. I'm what he wanted and needed. Not his murderer.

interviewer: Do you ever have resentment towards his life in the limelight versus yours struggling without him?
Rose: All the time. But I believe his soul is here with me after he died. So he's shrugging along too next to me, living the hard life. If I can ever get a lawyer to take our case I can get that money from Geffen. He's hard to reach and retired or I would have gotten it already. Want to hear my joke on how Dave Geffen got his start in music? So Dave Geffen's got a band of three musicians on either side of his desk. In the blink of an eye, he hands 'em a contract, flicks them all a quarter, shoots the lead, and takes a check for 200 million dollars. And that's the story of Nirvana. Ha ha.

interviewer: Funny. What do you do to get by on your spare time?
Rose: I have no spare time from him. He's everything. Like I said I smoke a lot of meth to get by with sadness and depression but I feel like I'm not gonna last much longer. When they hand me a check for 200 million dollars I'm just gonna rent a hotel room and sit there... staring at the wall and talking to him. Wishing his body was with me and not just his spirit. I've been rehearsing for a music show that I plan on putting on at the Whiskey a-go-go that will be in his honor and to bring awareness to the murder campaign... but other than that... my heart is in a billion pieces. We're screwed. He's dead. I'm screwed. And people are still getting away with murder.

interviewer: Do you think you will ever move on from him?
Rose: Never. He's embedded into my soul for eternity. It tugs at me like crazy whenever I even consider the remote possibility of being with someone else. But no one compares. It's no contest. He was everything I always wanted. Perfect for me. My own little blonde rock star. His little greasy head drives me crazy. I adore him. Until we're together in the next life, we both have to suffer. Until then, I'm just going to try and get our story out there to others because I am sick of everyone thinking Courtney was the woman he really loved. It's rediculous. I'm ready to be known for that. I'm considering contacting Barbara Walters. God willing. Anyway, That's it. I'm done.

interviewer: Thank you for your time and sorry for your loss.
Rose: Thank you.

I've started posting an interview as well as a eulogy-type article I wrote on my site. Just go to the more section and click on interviews.

cheers.

Do any of you have any idea what it's like to have compassion for the death of who you think is a random stranger and then realize, oh, my god. Is that my husband?? It's chilling and tramatizing all at once. This has never happened before. I will be posting an interview on my site soon.... stay tuned....

check this out --

I rewrote Violet, check it out on my site  http://rosephoenix-cobain.webs.com/      under the interests section. I'm also going to have a murder facts video under the video section available for viewing soon and check out some of my quotes pertaining to me and Kurt under the more section too.

Adios

RIP

R.I.P Leland Cobain, thank you for such a warm, friendly letter and for reading my book. I love your grandson, don't worry he's safe with me.


Rose

Hey shitbirds, I'm starting my own website that will have lots of images of me (when I can afford them) music that I record and more personal things about me particularly. I've started it up and you can view it here at this address:  http://rosephoenix-cobain.webs.com/


peace.

Journey wrote their biggest hit about us --

through space and time
always another show
wondering where I am
lost without you
being apart ain't easy on this love affair
two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh, girl you stand by me
I'm forever yours
faithfully

All Apologies

I cannot believe Kurt's clairvoyancey.... In ALL APOLOGIES, it is clear he is stating this as his last song on his last album of his life that he will ever be able to justify his speaking to everyone, as if he was literally hostage and under siege in his "marriage" to Courtney. On one of the songs from Live Through This he states, "I shut my mouth with glue", as if he was held captive and had no right to speak... Well on ALL APOLOGIES, he reiterates this with the line: "What else should I write? (or say before I die unwillingly?) I don't have the right..."   At first I thought this meant the "right" as a writer where freedom of speach was concerned.... now it looks like, he was implying his rights to speak have been taken from him by her. Just like his freedom. A real hostage??

"I'm MARRIED. BURIED."

This is insane honey. I need you. I love you. Why will no one listen to me. No braincells. All morons! Read the fucking lyrics from In Utero and Live Through This how it all plays out. Idiots. I hate you all. Keep worshipping your "grunge queen" murderous well I beg people to listen to the truth.

Fuck you.

All the quotes you see on this site were directed to me. I am having a hard time with getting the story into magazines so I have turned to the newspapers in Seattle, Aberdeen and Olympia. With the headline:

"Kurt Cobain had a true wife whom he loved dearly, says his death was undoubtly murder"

"speaking from the tongue of an 'experienced' simpleton who would rather be an 'emasculated' 'infantile' complainee..... this note should be pretty easy to understand...


TO BODDAH. Code word for, help, I'm in trouble?? I went through a faze where I thought I was referred to as his imaginary best friend from birth. 'emasculated'? Taken advantage of in the worst way possible? I know how much red tape is in this letter. He referred to himself as an experienced 'simpleton' .... making a severe mistake marrying Courtney? And trusting the wrong people? "Infantile" ?  Kicking himself for his mistakes??

I'm working on this honey. They are going to fry.

my adapted version of Blink 182's song Lost without you that I will be performing as my final dedication song to Kurt at the show...

I swear that I can go on forever again
please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover... your friend...
give me your lips, and with one kiss we begin

are you afraid of being alone, cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of leaving tonight, cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
where are you now, I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
and if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

(my written part)

(soft, dreamy)
I really wanted my light to shine above you
I wouldn't put up a fight to cry and hug you
we'd be everything right me beside you
we'd be a heavenly sight no pain surrounds you

(lowers to a whisper)
We'll meet again at Leonard Cohen's...
our pain will end when we see Times Roman
I'll be around in a flyin' delorean
They'll be no sound but my arms come around

(barely audible)
god grant me peace for my love is in the ground
my heart was broke without a single resinent sound


are     you    afraid   of   bein'  alone    cause I am, I love you
are     you    afraid   of   bein'  alone    cause I am, I miss you


I'm lost without you

Lithium gets analyzed and Kurt's 'honest truth' in his desired life --

To all you Nirvana fans who are still alive after the school bombing:

I am still pretty shocked that such a big hit like Lithium was written completely about me. I've read some of your supposed ideas online of what you think the song is about... most of you think it's just a take on someone having a 'nervous breakdown'.... yeah right.

Well I am gonna diagnose the whole song for you bastards right here so you will now be aware of its true meaning. It is about hearing my voice and seeing my image in his head, having the opportunity to spend time with me and be with me (his real wife) atleast in his head since I wasn't actually present in his life.

The same way I have had versions of Kurt in my head that I've talked to and spent time with. But the catch is, he is telling me in the song that although the images look and feel like him, and represent him, they are NOT really him so get rid of them by taking the drug lithium -- "I KILL you I'm not gonna crack"... I have been subscribed the drug lithium and it's ceased to help me yet with the voices and images. Thanks, hon. The voices and images can actually simulate having sex so it's been a nightmare -- having them act as though Kurt is being with another woman.

The line, "I'm so ugly, that's okay cause so are you" is referring to the fact that me and Kurt both feel as though we possess the 'ugly gene' and neither one of us felt particularly that attractive growing up and regardless of what we look like now... we still feel unattractive on the inside. I truly feel and I believe that as gorgeous as Kurt became as he got older, he had absolutely NO clue about it and still felt as though he was the ugly duckling in the world.

On Hole's Live Through This album he spouts off about Courtney's obssession with looks and her passion for "anorexic magazines"... it's almost as if he was referring to her as a snob and alhough I'm more attractive than Courtney physically, he thought I was more on the same page as him when it came to being and feeling unattractive to a point where looks weren't the first thing on our mind as a couple. He states -- "we look the same, we talk the same... we are the same we are the same...."

In the song he also states, "I'm so excited I can't wait to meet you there", this I've mentioned before and I believe he may be referring to the fact that, just like me, one of the voices he heard in his head identified themselves as "god" (he also wrote the line "I'm not scared, light my candles, in a daze cause I've found GOD.") And just as the voice I was conversing with in my head that identified themselves as "god" told me on numerous occasions that if I were to committ suicide, I would be teleported to a different dimension where Kurt is still alive and well and then we could be together. I fear that "god" may have told him the same thing and that is what the line "I can't wait to meet you there" was referring to. Meeting me in a different dimension.

I was close to killing myself several times living for this belief. I sincerely hope Kurt didn't fall for it and take the plunge for that reason. He also states, "I'm so horny, that's okay my will is good" this is revolving around the fact that he was needy for me (his true wife, yes it's true assholes) so needy for me all the time that it was hard to handle. "my will is good" is a very beautiful 'old-fashion' way of saying, "It's okay to be this turned on by the situation because it's for her and only her and I love her dearly".... Don't hate! Just kidding.

"I like it I'm not gonna crack" -- conversing with you in my mind.
"I love you I'm not gonna crack" -- he truly did love me more than anything assholes.
"I miss you I'm not gonna crack" -- although we've never truly met in person, we knew we were each other's spouses and possess the type of yearning for each other that is only possessed by that type of relationship.
"I kill you I'm not gonna crack" -- although it was great to communicate with me in his mind, he knew it wasn't really me and he knew it was too distracting to live like that so he had to take lithium to get rid of it.

"I'm not gonna crack" is referring to the act of going completely crazy being away from me his whole life. Which also brings up the line "I'm so lonely, that's okay I shaved my head" referring to exactly how distraught and alone he felt without me being there for him in his life.

NOW you know what Lithium is about and understand that his 'relationship' with Courtney was NOT warranted and he did NOT consider her his true 'wife'.

Now I will elaborate on what we would have wanted as a whole if we were let to be together like we were suppose to be. After the release of In Utero and Hole's Live Through This album (that I would have performed if I was there) Kurt would have relished in the fact of stepping out into the world with me and worshipped the opportunity of presenting me as his real wife. If you notice a lot of his images, he looks completely tired and warn down from missing me.

We would have either chose two things: to just banish together from existence and fly off to a deserted island somewhere and live happily ever after together or Kurt would have dumped Nirvana and went completely solo as an electric guitarist without a band on center stage (making history and changing music), like my own little blonde Elvis, and perform the songs that I write for him. I'm telling you guys, he would have been HUGE. A REAL LEGEND. Starting off his career with "Rock-N-Roll Glory"..... Someone give me my rock-n-roll glory. I just want my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory!

The end. God I miss him.

I'd like to put all the Nirvana fans in a school gymnasium and bomb it. Perfect.

updated the song check it out at the end zone now has title --

The ORIGINAL KURT COBAIN SPEAKS OUT --

 

ROCK-N-ROLL GLORY

 

She's overboard and self assured
oh no I know a dirty little word
what we are and what we were doesn't
keep us from bein' disturbed

the static erratic exertion
stems from my chromatic assertion
breeding from synthetic inertia
from a systematic need to not hurt ya

my spagetti confetti is ready
who we are is better than tom and petty
tom and jerry are surely scary
like a collectic effectic don't marry

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

my name is in vain halleluja
I'll stick a pistol and missile right to ya
in stripes I can't gripe civil hoopla
I'm trite and you're right ditty-dooda
a synthetic gallactic exertion
is better than my collective assertion

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

my corny story is so goddamn boring
when will I get my rock-n-roll glory
a zombie with no mommy is perfection
seven years to life's infection

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

she's overboard and self-assured
oh no I know a dirty little word
who we are and what we were doesn't keep us
from bein' disturbed

my libido for ya is a real possession
I just hope I don't get an erection
a systematic galactic attack
like dodgin' bullets in desert iraq

who we are and what we were doesn't
keep us from bein' disturbed
just like an old black and white movie
will I ever get a hot little groupie
you be me and I'll be you
but I'd rather be watchin' scooby doo

my life is like a neverending story
will I ever have some rock-n-roll glory
it's a crock that I really don't rock
churning and burning straight around the clock

my spagetti confetti is burning
but I tell ya I'm surely still learning
a synthetic erratic attack
I got all these monkey's straight on my back

na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na

(break it down real soft dreamy guitar in same melody, Kurt's voice is soft, sung like a chant)

a mulatto, albino, mosquito
let's take the time to talk about my libido
she's so fine I'm so high it's illegal
a mulatto, albino, mosquito
thank good god for that spiraling libido

acunamatatta mulatta
I'll get mine thanks to persona
but all the antifreeze stings like
nirvana

a biscotti mulatti my hottie
we'd wine and dine in time; Liberace
a mulatto, albino, mosquito
thank good god for that primal libido
I'm gonna ride ya like Evel Knievel

acunamatatta mulatta
your spagetti's best with avocada

acunamatatta mulatta
thank good godda mattata

 

a prolactic symphatic decision

bears an erratic collaboric collision

an authentic rutentic derisen

resides in my synthetic unison

 

oh my god she makes me so horny

I'll give her a little of my rock-n-roll glory

little ceasar's sure does please her

I swear to god I'll never leave ya

a rock star with a flashy little guitar

is on par to a propylactic surcharge 

when will you pay me when I'm workin' daily

this time I'm on fines to mother fuckin' save me

 

a synthetic gallactic attack

I'm sick of breakin' my mother fuckin' back

when will my spagetti be ready

I'll tell ya when then throw some confetti

 

my corny story is so goddamn boring

 

when will i get my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory

 

give me my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory

 

when will i have my rock-n-roll glory

 

gimme gimme my rock-n-roll glory

 

i really want my rock-n-roll glory

 

give me my fuckin' rock-n-roll glory (x10)

 

screech of guitar, explosion




(low snare drum cadence fade out)

A speech that I put together for my Charity show at the Whiskey in honor of Kurt --

FLASH MY FAVORITE HANDSOME PIC OF KURT ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN while inquiring:::::::

"Would you kill this man? Look at him. Would you pay someone to kill him, burn his body, then keep his hair in a jug as a momento?? He was so beautiful. Too beautiful to make it out of that marriage alive.

(long pause)

Kurt's shoe size is a size ten. I got that from staring at his dead body in the window long enough. I went through a faze where I thought he was still alive. But those are definately his shoes. His hand... and his leg in that window.

I spent half my life hating Kurt because I thought he was just a spoiled little rich guy who took my right of suicide away from me and put it on himself -- like he had any right to complain. I thought his life was great. But when you need this kind of love in the worst way; he said he was STARVING for it; then suicide can be one answer to ending the pain.

I closed my feelings off to him for two decades, then when I decided to face it, I discovered it wasn't suicide afterall but cold-blooded murder -- with that I finally found the 'empathy' to forgive him. It didn't occur to me that he may have known who I was too. When I discovered all the lyrics directed to me I was flabbergasted. My first thought was 'oh my god'... twenty years??

Could he have possibly thought I was reading those lyrics as it took place in the early 90's or was he aware I wouldn't read them until later on... My worst moment is when I realized he may have had a suicide 'pact' with me that I wasn't aware of -- he stated -- "hold you close like we both just died , my ever pressing suicide, my stupid fuck my blushing bride (there he is beating himself up again about marrying the wrong woman) and then 'o tear my heart out tear my heart out'... he must have been devastated.

Could he have been waiting for me to kill myself too in order to meet in the afterlife?? As our only way to be together? Twenty years I waited to come to that possible realization. He mentions it in Lithium too -- "I can't wait to meet you there. I'm excited and I'm not scared. Light my candles because I've found God." Then he speaks of the type of afterworld he wants, where he can 'sigh eternally'... without me? Waiting for me?

Twenty years and here I sit. Still alive. I sincerely pray that that was not what his idea was and that I wasn't just suppose to know that. I would have been there in a heartbeat honey, If I'd known. I still feel like he is waiting aimlessly for me to do it. I keep a journal online that I devote to him and write in it every night. He's the only person I came to earth for. It was suppose to be just me and him. In the whole universe. We would have been the true definition of 'happily ever after'.

But thanks to space and time and a whole lot of crazy people we won't get that chance in this life... or will we? So this last song is dedicated to him whole-heartedly. And I have a message for Courtney Love: Your time is coming. I want all his possessions -- if you haven't burnt them along with his body. His soul belongs to me. Do not even think of 'tending' to it.
You cripple. And he shuts his mouth with glue. So here's a dedication to Kurt..."

To hell with Guitar World!

Hi, my name is Rose Phoenix-Cobain and I am Kurt's true WIDOW. This last month you featured him in your GONE TOO SOON series and I breezed over the article and noticed that you used one of his lyrical passages as a quote:

"I do not want what I've got". As if he was directing it to you shitsuckers in the public eye to define his distaste for his "career" or something.

Well this sentence is part of a PERSONAL PHRASE that Kurt wrote directly to me after the line: "I love you for what I'm not" there is a PERSONAL meaning between us that has NOTHING to do with the audience of your magazine or "fans" of Nirvana.

You have no right printing that when you are not familiar with the TRUE meaning behind it and the person it was dedicated to. I have half the mind to sue you for this situation if I wasn't trying my hardest to get mine and Kurt's love story in your magazine.

You probably won't even read this, but I've had enough bullshit. Write an apology letter in your mag regarding this or you're DEAD.

p.s. to you jerks -- if some of you are wondering about my name, I was not born a COBAIN... I took Kurt's last name after this situation. It's not my given name... it's a hyphened married one.

guitar world magazine is going to DIE. They took our personal phrase "I do not want what I've got" and used it in their article to make it appear that you are just offering this profound phrase as if just "venting" to a mass audience about your displeasure.

You're DEAD assholes!!!!!! Eat SHIT.

Hey assholes on grunge forum
Quit talking like you know
Him and are friends. He hates you.

Merrium-Webster take note --

contradictionary: verb: definition: To be in exact opposition of your thoughts, actions and placement in society to the highest level of false standings. To be worse than just a simple contradiction, to the extent of your whole life being one big falsehood.

contradictionary lies: adverb: definition: lies that are on such a grand scale of opposition to the honest truth of one's existence that themselves as a whole is a fraud. i.e. living a lie.



Now... that you now how kurt felt about his life and self in your eyes and the one the media portrayed... keep reading letterstokurt for the REAL TRUTH. Bastards.

James Gandofini died honey! He was so good in True Romance! That would of been us.... Courtney wanted to be Sid and Nancy with your sweet ass and she played sid really well with your murder... but we would have been Clarence and Alabama Woorly. Perfect. I love you. I left a kick ass message to Jimmy Levine at interscope so we should have the check very soon.... left my number, they better respond if they know what's best!

Quit reading this blog if you don't believe it. I don't need help. It's all true assholes. Talk to God. He's the only one I respond to....

Kurt and River both got murdered for their looks. People can't handle that form of sexuality and I still wouldn't have doubts if Anthony Kiedes is behind it all. Stop reading and stop being assholes. I don't need help it's true.... it's something I've known my whole life. Fuck you.

Hey honey... I need you. I need to get off the street. I'm still trying the lawyers, what is their problem... 200 million??? I don't know. Maybe time magazine will respond with an amount. Cross your fingers. I love you.

Dear Kurt,

bewwwwww..... honey, I miss you. I think I lost my whole rap song and it was kick ass. I would have loved to post the whole thing on here. boo-hoo. Trying to get to Wed. so I can get my check and finally have another laptop. This shit at the library is a pain. I emailed the Whiskey booking dept. about my show so cross your fingers... would love to get money out of that. Oh, I'm sure you already know but I didn't even make it on to the front door property of Geffen records because of security. I'll figure something else out. I love you... goodnight.

:-x

my charity show for the Whiskey song line-up..

So here's the show I'm putting together for the Whiskey with me on vocals that will be a charity event for Suicide Prevention Outreach... it's got kind of a theme going on... it will be a dedication to Kurt --

 1st set

1. Come Sail Away - Styx
2. Anyway you want it - Journey
3. I would do anything for love - Meatloaf
4. Making love out of nothin' at all - Air Supply
5. Glory Nights - Scorpions

2nd set

6. Bring on your dancin' horses - Echo and the Bunnymen
7. Heroes - David Bowie
8. Under Pressure - Queen/David Bowie
9. All these things that I've done - Killers
10. Brick in the wall - Pink Floyd
11. Bullet the blue sky - U2
      With or Without you - U2

A bit on Jesus bumper stickers

3rd set

12. Somethin' to believe in - Poison
13. I can only imagine - Mercy Me
14. I will wait for you - Mumford and Sons
14a. Flight of the apollo adaptation - AVA
15. Alive - P.O.D.

Axl Rose bit

4th set

15. Civil War - Guns - N - Roses
16. Blaze of Glory - Bon Jovi
17. Somethin's happening here - Buffalo Springfield
18. Freebird - Lynard Skynard (by request!)
19.

90's interlude/90's song compilation

5th set

19. Thirty-three - Smashing Pumpkins
20. Hit 'em up - Tupac
21. Radio Friendly Unit Shifter - Nirvana
21a. Hurt - Johnny Cash
21b. Round here - Counting Crows
22. Shattered - O.A.R.

6th Set

23. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zepplin
24. Highway to hell/Hells Bells - AC/DC
25. Jim Morrison Speech/mojo risin'/ Break on through to the other side - The Doors
26. Fly to the angels - Slaughter
27. I'll never let you go (angel eyes)- Steelheart

Finale

27. Faithfully - Journey
28. The Rose - Bet Midler
29. Where did you sleep last night - Nirvana cover version
30. Platinum/Baby Baby Baby - Justin Bieber

John Lennon bit

31. Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue
32. Wherever you will go - The Calling
33. The impression that I get - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

FINAL SONG

34. Violet - Hole
35. Love Buzz - Nirvana

Dedication to Kurt

lost without you - Blink 182

To all the Nirvana fans reading this site::

If you find my email somewhere on here or online or find a way to get a rude comment to me regarding anything on this blog I will not tolerate it. Please don't contact me with rude remarks. I've been through enough losing Kurt twice... First when I found out I was in love with him and he was already gone... then when I found out he was in love with me and he was taken from me by way of murder. My life ended when I was sixteen because of his death... I don't need anymore bullshit.

A speach I wrote for Kurt when he had that dispute with AXL --

I don't know how many of you know of that whole scenario between Axl Rose and Kurt during a few different occurences, it was about the time Nevermind was huge and gaining momentum... Axl said something in an interview bashing the heroin usage of Courtney during her pregnancy and Kurt dissed Axl's security squad saying it was rediculous. Well this is a little something we put together based on Axl's Civil War song and his love for sporting the rebel flag. I thought Kurt looked like a dork who just wanted to hit up and give some shit to a big rock star like Axl when he first made it so I wrote this in order to up his game and give him more credit.

Kurt dialogue as if he was here with me in the future THEN went back to that point in time for the arguement, Check out the references for future things that took place long after 91 or 92 when the arguement took place, picture big award show setting:



Title: What a fucking asshole

KURT:

"Hey Axl, doesn't it bother you wearin' that confederate flag bandanna being from Indiana and all? You're not a yankee there let alone a rebel. Talkin' to a mid-westerner about the North and South and the Civil War is like talkin' to a Californian about how the west was won.... and I'm not talkin' about the Mexicans and Indians either -- I'm talkin' Tupac and Biggie.

I thought you were from Oklahoma or something the way you went off in that song -- the last state in the union... "my hands are tied...."

(Kurt chuckles)
Yeah, I bet...

a mid-westerner who thinks he's a Yankee and claims to be a Southerner.

My wife was born in the North grew up in the South and the niggers still picked on her for being a yankee -- figure that one out if you wanna talk semantics about what the civil war did for our nation.

She had two grandfathers fight in both the army and navy during world war II and sure KNOWS our pledge of allegiance.

What can you say for your four fathers??

What a crock of shit. You should be sportin' the white freedom flag of liberty than the redneck staple. By the way before you start callin' me white trash and goin' on about Courtney shootin' up heroin while pregnant with our bastard baby... I'll worry about what my real wife is doin' as she googles on her WiFi images of Frances in love with me. That's my business.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate"....

(Kurt chuckless and shakes his head again)
I'll say....

It's assholes like you that make me proud to be an American just so I can talk shit. And by the way... ask me about President Obama some time. See what your redneck ass thinks about that.

But great song, that Civil War.

(he begins to whistle the beginning riff while holding up a copy of a cassette tape)
Kurt dialogue:
"Don't worry, when you decide not to write the song now.... I'll still have my copy.

(Axl scoffs, snickering)
You know they make CD'S now.

Kurt chuckles.
Yeah, I know. Mine just went platinum.

AXL
What?!

Kurt rolls his eyes while walking away....

KURT
nevermind....

(get it?? nevermind?? LOL)

Kurt (turning back, cont'd)
John Lennon wrote a song similiar to yours where he didn't know what the hell he was talkin' about and it got him shot. Remember that next time you try to be something you're not.

Kurt turns to leave, mumbling to his entourage --

Jesus christ.

Light a match on that guy... Axl Rose.... what a fucking asshole...."

memo to GEFFEN RECORDS ::::::

Geffen Records/Interscope Records and A & R and all it's subsidaries is about to be held accountable for 71 counts of murder . You have two choices. Author a check for 200 million dollars under the Geffen Records label brand immediately or go to jail for the MURDER of KURT COBAIN and the 70 plus suicides of random teenagers that occured across the world in succession of HIS faulty one. 200 million is the number in profits that Geffen records stood to earn at the peak of Kurt's death. And you will NOT and CANNOT make the profit off of the death of a broken-hearted man. My name is Rose Phoenix-Cobain and I am Kurt's true WIDOW. I have proof beyond reasonable doubt that his ex-wife and YOUR record company were in charge of his murder. The money earned in record sales for his death was earned by my husband's good name and TALENTS and is considered BLOOD MONEY for a death that Geffen took a part in. Even if Kurt's death was a legitimate suicide, you still CANNOT profit off of that of an emotional, personal decision of one's self.

200 million dollars. Or you ALL go to jail for 71 COUNTS OF MURDER by and for the placement of that FAULTY "suicide" note left at the scene of the crime. A note that is better known as my husband's RETIREMENT LETTER. 200 million. I have been living on the street and I will NOT be going through a lawyer that I cannot afford -- I will be going through the POLICE.

Done adding stuff to this, this is just a BRIEFING that I am submitting to time for the REAL INTERVIEW

REAL-LIFE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS FROM DIFFERENT TIMES SEND EACH OTHER CLUES TO LET THE OTHER KNOW THE OTHER IS OUT THERE EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL NEVER MEET; MURDER PLAYS A PART -- and the VICTIM is A FAMOUS ROCK STAR. HIS EFFORTS TO BECOME FAMOUS FINALLY PAY OFF -- THEY BOTH FELT THE OTHER WAS OUT THERE HE STATES IT IN A SONG:

"I know it. I can feel it. I know it enough to believe it. I can't see it. But I can feel it. I know it enough to believe it. "

IS THERE SOMETHING COSMIC THAT SPRINGS THROUGH DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS ON EARTH?? SOMETHING THAT COULD CAUSE A CHAIN REACTION THAT CAUSES TWO LINKED SOULS TO SENSE THE OTHER'S EXISTENCE? HIS DEATH TOOK PLACE IN 1994, She LIVES IN 2013, BUT SHE SAYS 1991 IS STILL GOING ON NOW, the 1991 that has ALREADY BEEN. ALL IT TAKES IS A MATTER OF SHIFTING OVER TO THAT DIMENSION AND THEY CAN FINALLY BE TOGETHER.

The year was 1991.... a young fledgling rock star from Seattle was in pain. A lot of pain. Rigorous touring was not to blame. Soon the young musician realized something was wrong. Very wrong. His wife, that he'd had memories of but never actually met was missing from his life. From that time period in general. Trapped in 2012, she awaits a way back. A way back to change the future... a future that turns into a place with no Kurt Cobain.

A murder plot that turns into the most famous suicide in history, this is the true story of a  small town boy who worked to become a famous rock star in order to inform his wife of a different time of his deathly demise. A small-time story about a simple husband who spent more time planting a billion not so simple clues to the wife who figured them out...

Now her goal is to avenge her husband's death by pinning the murderer's with their crime...

She does all this while awaiting a way back to the time and place she actually belongs.

The man who was plagued as the last true living rock star from the 60's, 70's 80's and beyond named Kurt Cobain from the 90's era, named big for inventing the whole grunge movement, was more than just a rock guitarist in a band called Nirvana. Or merely a 'heroin junkie' who fell on suicide as a way 'out'... He was a man who would have given anything -- even his very own life -- for one moment to experience true love.

Cobain's heartbroken true love who he's never had the pleasure of meeting in person,  implies he was not only a genius for the crafty way he planted so many clues to convince her his death was murder rather than suicide, but begs to offer that he must have been clairvoyant too for all the ways he knew what outcome was to fall upon us.

He really truly wanted desperately to be there for me in a future that we might get to share together, he wouldn't have left me for suicide if he knew we had a chance... any chance.

Meanwhile she searches endlessly for a portal to go back to the husband she's never gotten to kiss, while taking on billionaire David Geffen of Geffen Records with an ultimatum -- a check for 200 million dollars -- which is what his record sales peaked to after his sudden death, or a check for a billion -- what his life was worth to her -- or jail time for his murder.

It started with the song Love Buzz. A young green musician from a small town named Aberdeen -- somewhere in the middle of Washington state in the Northwest -- forms his very first rock band in order to attract that true love he is already sure is out there waiting for him. He wails into the microphone at the tender age of 22,

"Would you believe me when I tell you, you are the queen of my heart..." This song later became no such hit but rather a major cult classic that was later abandoned all together by the band but the meaning behind the song still lingers. The lady in question who admits to feeling her own personal love buzz her whole life for the one and only musician in question (from the start to finish of his) but spent half hers denying her feelings for him so long because he's been dead for the majority of it.

Kurt Cobain, who seemingly was the golden grail of creating music altogether during his time, changes the impression of what it is for a man to truly love a wife when he decided to forgo a glorified rock career with songs of his choosings for "fun" or music's sake and instead went for dedicating all his time to creating a whole career of songs that were poignantly put together for the main purpose of being clues and only clues to strictly inform his soulmate and true love from a different era -- meant to be from his own -- that he was to be murdered and he truly did love her, and to not, for her emotion's sake, believe the suicide verdict.

Cobain's true widow, Rose Phoenix-Cobain, known for her activism and her particularly special cause that she's been faithful to her whole life, fittingly -- SUICIDE PREVENTION OUTREACH -- is also the unknown half-sister of late movie star River Phoenix -- also from the 90's era whom as well managed to make a major impact on that particular generation, was often compared to James Dean, and had a heart of gold just before it exploded after a massive heroin overdose took his life at the tender age of twenty-three on October 31st, 1993 outside the famous Viper Room located on L.A.'s Sunset Strip.

Another event that Phoenix-Cobain attributes to her lack of being there for him. They both turned to heroin as a way to zonk out and numb the pain of the love we all shared, and the lacking of me being there to spread it to them in spades. Rose isn't exactly sure of the connection and the circles that Kurt and River ran in and how well they may had known each other, as Phoenix was an avid guitar player as well and had his own grunge rock band named Alexa's Attic, and Phoenix-Cobain shutters to think that they both may have came off as if they knew they were both in competition for her heart as Phoenix's movies also have an eery truth behind each one that relates to something Phoenix-Cobain has been through in her life without them.

 Rose is oddly charmed and romanced by the idea that her husband and half-brother might have been oddly aware that they could have been distraught and both close to death on numerous occasions because they were missing the same person. River had once admitted that he was "charmed" by the actress Sam Mathis because she reminded him of his "sister" that he loved dearly.

As luck would have it and by way of happenstance, Kurt actually took specific time to discuss and mourn the death of young River as well as dedicate a song to him at a particular show by announcing -- "This song is for River Phoenix..." as he poignantly strums his accoustic to the cover "Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam". But despite the fact that Rose also had a brother in need of her, she still jumps straight back to her husband's needs -- she made several statements that the love she and Cobain share is nothing short of extraordinary --

"We've been together our whole lives but have never met, but our hearts have been faithful"... She suggests a line from a hit song Lithium where he already speaks of loving and missing her like an old happy couple who have just been away from each other for a long time, like away on a trip... "I love you I'm not gonna crack. I miss you I'm not gonna crack"...

Cobain, famous for suicide but not suicidal has only spoken of suicide once in his own music and used that as a reference to his wife in time as a last resort to being away from each other -- "look on the bright side is suicide" if she can't take being away from him any more, and then his backing it up by saying "I'm on your side."

She reasons there is a 1% chance that he did kill himself because he was in so much pain from being away from her that it was apparent in one particular song that sounds as though he was writing the whole thing off between them as in he was rejected, entitled "I Hate Myself and I Want To Die", with a very bitterly beautiful phrase that reads "Broken heart and broken bones, if you can imagine the way a castrated horse feels...Just another quirky cliched phrase.... you're the one I wanna refill"...

this song had such an effect on Phoenix-Cobain that she plans on getting the line : "you're the one I wanna refill" tatooed on her arm. The song particularly leaves a bad taste in her mouth because she suggests it sounds as though he was at wits end with trying to impress her, and when she still didn't come for him -- "Not because I didn't love him,"  she states, "but because I was only sixteen at the time of his death and didn't figure it out until twenty years later. But if he did kill himself for that reason," She strongly enforces, "He would have left a lot better note than the phony, heartless one that was left at the scene that has no mention of her unless he meant the "goddess of a wife" statement who "sweats ambition and empathy" because I cannot imagine him referring to Courtney Love with that last description... her only ambition was to use him and bleed him dry, take all his money and fame and the only empathy she had was for herself.

Rose also believes there is a strong possibility Kurt plotted to fake his own death to escape his murderers because several lyrics and photos imply he was still in control of the situation with one particular lyric directed at her that reads "If you live through this with me I swear that I will die for you and if you live through this with me I swear that I will die for you" which she believes sounds as if he was planning something vital that could go severely wrong. Or she sites that it could have also been a really romantic suggestion referring to watching him marry another woman in Hawaii and fathering her child.

The lyrics devoted to her are spread sporadically throughout a couple albums that read more like secretive S.O.S messages as a last resort than for romance sake. It's as if his whole purpose on earth was to let her know he loved her tremendously too and that he would be taken from her foully, rather than the goal of becoming a successful trailblazer in his musicial field which he didn't much care for.

His last album was seemingly thrown together with one nice song directed to the strife devoted to his relationship with his father. The only other relative in the whole bunch next to his grandpa on his father's side who belives it was also murder. Phoenix-Cobain has also went out of her way to contact his grandpa by sending him a copy of a book she authored entitled "Kurt Cobain makes Love after Death" Leland Cobain still mourns the young Cobain's death every day by answering letters from grieving fans and swears on his wife's grave that it was murder as well. The album ends with the song "All Apologies" which at first Cobain writes to his audience as if he is apologizing to everyone for falling in line as the typical "Suicide guy" but then throws in the big line:

"I'm MARRIED. BURIED."

Which goes to say that it is no stunner that his scorned wife Courtney Love was clearly behind the whole murder plot, and was even in some hot water when a gentleman came out to the media in 1996 with the clear claim that Ms. Love offered him only fifty thousand dollars to "blow her husband's head off" and "make it look like suicide." Rose is apalled by that number .... FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS?? That's all he was worth to her?? Well his life was worth over a BILLION dollars to me. And I'll still never get to kiss those pretty lips.

Kurt did relay in several different interviews that he feared for his own life and was in constant search of protection, and the desire to own so many guns, shotguns mainly, played a part in his need to protect himself from harm. 

Remembering this scenario, Phoenix-Cobain relays a line of dialogue she hears replay in her memory that appears to be Kurt's voice as he witnesses the murderers coming for him -- "Shit. Here they come. I practiced for this so many times and I -- don't even have a gun...." 

How bad ass and sexy is that... I'd love to see him wield a gun. Enough photos set the stage for it this scenerio, then he writes a line that makes him and the scenerio more famous in his hit song "Come as you are" from as way back as '91... where he wails into the mike "And I swear that I don't have a gun!  no I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun -- honey! I don't have a gun!"

The picture that flashes as you enter Rose's blog online shows a serious Cobain getting down to business with a famous shot of his holding a shotgun inside his mouth, while the guys in his band smile and carry on as though they are in on it too... smiling to her as well, while her faithful husband reiterates "Here I am honey. Here's the pic. This is the way I die... but I swear I didn't do it!!" There is also another line in his heart-shaped box song that Courtney likes to brag is about her vagina which Kurt describes as a "magnet tarpit trap" he concludes "meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet". Rose believes he is spouting off about Courtney being a man-eating killer and that he plans to forgive no one for the outcome of his death or the belief that he typically fell to "suicide". Another piece of verse from the song Dumb describes a lot as well, directed to Rose again:  "the soul is cheap" this I love because all I ever wanted was his soul and I believe he is suggesting it is free to me... then he continues -- "lesson learned wish me luck sooth the burn wake me up....." "Lesson learned? Marrying the wrong woman, getting himself killed? Sooth the burn?? of heroin hitting his system? Wake me up?? He did not want to die!" Rose exclaims, no way.

Another point she brings up regarding the song Heart-Shaped Box and its music video... "He actually depicts me as a little girl hopping and skipping around in the video as he wails into the camera at me, that little girl is to signify the difference in our age rage... and it is astounding how similar to my baby photos she looks. It is surreal the things he knew about me... I'm stunned."

Phoenix-Cobain's love and affection for Cobain is above and beyond the extreme call of duty than the usual widow by her plans to make demands as special as getting the word "contradictionary" and phrase "contradictionary lies" that Cobain created to describe himself into the Merrium-Webster dictionary -- to having the beautifully chosen outfit he wore during a nationally televised music event erected and encased in the lobby of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. She states:

"It doesn't get more flattering then calling a chosen line of clothing for a special event a work of art. Especially when Kurt was known for his love of vintage ware. I think he'd really have been stunned and enthused by that decision. Jade and Lavender. I even wrote a song about that outfit directed to him.... A jade sweater with that perfect lavender collar coming over it... and the whole set even matched his choice of lavender. It was such a romantic show that night -- MTV'S Unplugged."

Phoenix-Cobain also plans on taking the priviledge of using the last name Cobain from the rights of Courtney Love and her spawn Frances Bean.  "That marriage and baby was a sham and something Kurt never wanted which he makes it clear in two other particular lyrics he wrote to me, in one he states: "I love you for what I'm not, I do not want what I've got", and another which is way more harsh to describe his true thoughts on the pregnancy where he refers to the baby as a pet virus... he states:

"I won myself my own pet virus, I get to pet and name her. My milk is her shit, her shit is my milk". "He had a thing about milk... he also loaded up Courtney's album Live Through This with milk references which makes it clearly obvious that he wrote it as well. It's actually my favorite album out of all of his.... it sounds like something from the 80's classics as big as the Ramones... the song Violet. OH MY GOD it rocks. It has one of my favorite lines out of all his directed to someone like Courtney then someone like him and I. "Might last a day.... MINE IS FOREVER."

I know he meant that in reference to his love for me Mine is Forever. Well so is mine and I mean business with these lyrics and her deceit. I can't imagine she actually went through with recording that album when he had such ballsy statements in there attacking her such as starting the line off with:

"I will awake Your Highness. I am so high I cannot walk, I will awake...."  He was clearly referring to the three times the lethal dose of heroin that actually killed him before the gunshot blast... how on earth was he aware of what was in store?? He finishes it off with directing this bitter statement right to her: "You cripple, you take away my time, my peace, my empathy."  I mean these are the exact lyrics and she goes ahead and sings them and THEN calls the album HER WORK.

There are almost a dozen references in that album directed to me as well, including one of my favorite versus that describes our feelings about the whole relationship as well as putting Courtney at the scene of the crime again, he writes "bitter you, bitter me, my better "half" has bitten me, bitter you bitter me, sleeping with my enemy".

And my favorite part of the whole album is the conclusion where Kurt bluntly signs it with the last song entitled Rock Star... it starts off: "When I went to school, when I went to school, when I went to school .... in Olympia.... " Everyone on earth knows that Kurt was the one who went to school in Washington. Courtney fluttered around in Europe for a time and a little in Oregon. But never Olympia.

There is even a photograph that puts an explanation point on the fact that he was reassuring me that he did in fact write Hole's Live Through this album just in case I had any doubts, he took a photograph of his head sticking up through a piece of wood, looking me straight in the eye (as usual) surrounded by a bunch of doll heads, referring to the hit single, "Doll Parts". I love that song too. I love to perform it. If Courtney did write any of those songs, it would be that one, and Ms. World.

 In Ms. World she boldly states so sincerely "I'm that girl you know, who can't look you in the eye. I lie and lie and lie. I've made my bed now I'll lie in it" I guess she decided to help him out with that confession. But I still don't think his record company and David Geffen are in the clear either. They stood to earn a LOT of money from his death too. And there is also a line on Kurt's In Utero album that states: "You don't have to fire me because I quit. Throw me in the fire and I won't throw a fit."

And get this, when I call Geffen records to drop the bomb on them, turns out David Geffen quit the whole music industry, leaves his own company and joins the head of movies at Dreamworks directly after Kurt's death. So right there shows motive -- change of occupation. The HEAD of a company like Dreamworks that Steven Spielberg owns?? Right off the bat?? Someone came into some money... I'm in the movie business myself as a writer/producer and director and I know what type of investment it takes to invest in movies. So Dave Geffen basically kills my husband, runs of with a shit load of his money and starts the movie career I was meant to have from my HUSBAND'S funding!!!

They were all so scared. Even Geffen. Still to this date, NIRVANA is the biggest artist they've ever produced. If Kurt was getting ready to leave the band, like he was... they all stood to lose so much.

Kurt was out of there, Geffen knew it, so did his "wife" at the time and they couldn't stand it. He was their bread and butter, their prize and glory. I still know hands down that that "suicide" note they threw on the scene was nothing more than Kurts ACTUAL retirement letter so he could either scour the country for me, or embrace another type of music writing...

Courtney used to say she wrote Doll Parts about Kurt where there are lyrics that are insulting.... "Bad skin... big veins", if he wrote that to insult her as well she really is brain dead to perform it so crassly. I think she is an insult to music. She shows absolutely no enthusiasm or passion when performing.

Kurt may have not had that much passion and enthusiasm either, but that's because he was on a mission. Love ment everything to him. Soulmate love. That's it for me and him. That is everything to us. And as much as I needed him, he needed me even more. He writes in one song on Hole's Live Through This: "Your hungry but I'm STARVING" . Yeah he needed me bad. This story is way more mysterious and interesting than even we let on to believe. He knew things that were particular to me that he couldn't possibly have known to ensure me that it was in fact ME he was talking about.

I'm starting to see visions of memories flash before my eyes. Like I know what the inside of his... i mean OUR mansion looks like. It's like I was really supposed to be back there with him at this age, 34, to his 27 back in 94, instead of here in 2013. I am hearing quotes in my head of Kurt saying things like "I miss my wife"... referring to ME not "Courtney" Who to me is just a "floozy" he slept with while I'm away, trapped here. It's like a conspiracy. I am considering going to that Harvard library in Boston and DEMANDING the REAL photographs of what Kurt went through. If you look online they are just studio promo shots. Nothing about his real struggles as a rock star.

I am seeing visions of crying yelping and all kinds of things from how much pain he was in, possibly being away from me. "He misses his wife??" For all I know I really was a famous personality that people knew and loved and considered me a couple with him. I am a big activist with my brother, River too. I know that much. I am the missing link of the 90's -- what us three would have become if I were to go back where I belong. Kurt wouldn't have died... River wouldn't have died. We would have ruled the world as the golden trio. If I were to go back now Courtney would just step aside and it'd be like, "Here we are honey. Now our lives can begin." No picture of seeing Kurt's sneaker in the window of our house. His dead body. No seeing pictures of my brother River in a box.

The family who "raised" me means nothing to me any more. The only thing that matters is going back home to my bed next to Kurt and my brother River who also died horribly at 23 because I wasn't there. I must find a portal... time machine... something. So we can live happily ever after.

There are a lot of things that are being held secretive about his death. A LOT. I heard from one gentleman that there was actually a suicide tape recorded that aired on MTV after his death that sounded like Kurt's voice SCREAMING OVER AND OVER "I HATE MYSELF AND I WANNA DIE!!!"

I have tried my damnest to find out if this tape actually exists for my own benefit. If it was really that bad for him for whatever reasons, I need to know, I hope to god it wouldn't have to do with me "rejecting" him because that wasn't the case at all. But if this tape does exist and I live through hearing it... it would kill me too.

I know Kurt had some issues with his mother's lack of love, which surprisingly still isn't there after his death. All she had to say about it is; "Hmm... he's gone and joined that twenty-seven club now...."  Wow, what remorse. She seems to be more on Courtney's side. Cunts and whores usually stick together.

As for his bastard-child daughter... she seems to be in love with him. If I have to see one more doctored photo online of them next to each other looking like a couple I will lose it. I am sick of her and Courtney riding on Kurt's coattails all these years with the last name Cobain. I am putting an end to that!

I keep a public journal online entitled Letters To Kurt that has been around for going on four years now.... it tracks all the things I've done such as dozens of letters I've written to Seattle's Mayor in regards to having the murder case and investigation reopened to my journey up to Aberdeen where Kurt was born and Seattle to post flyers on the street to the police department regarding having the case reopened.

I am sick of all my efforts going unnoticed and I am ready to let others know that I am out here, that Kurt truly did have a REAL LOVE in his life and not just the scoundrel Courtney. And I'm sick of all of Kurt's efforts going unnoticed as well. The pictures he took for me look like something straight out of a movie like Momento, and the love he shared for me is unbelievable. I'm sure he would have wanted people to know my name as well. I would love to find that portal and bring back a big sack of cash from Geffen and say "Come on baby! Get outta there... no more Nirvana... here's the money. Now write something that really inspires you since you did so much work warning me and letting me know what happens... now you can relax and write a heartfelt ballad or two.


I believe this article would be a good fit for a TIME Cover Story because it defines a relationship that has never existed. It deals with true soulmates, different time and dimensions and the beautiful concept of how two people from two different era's can have true love for one another and express it through lyrics and photos without ever meeting. Better than Romeo and Juliet when a murder case is involved as well. Two real star-crossed lovers. Spin it that way.
Please contact Rose Phoenix-Cobain at this address or at phone number  urgently for the full story that has gone on long enough with no attention!!!

Thanks.

a little piece of trivia about Kurt and suicide --

The only time Kurt ever mentioned suicide in any of his albums was on In Utero and he used it as a reference to me as an only alternative to the fact that we will never get to be together...

"Look on the bright side is suicide, I'm on your side..."  To ME. I should be famous just for that line.

Okay numb nuts .... what does this mean??

And I will awake Your highness- I'm so high I cannot walk And I will awake so high? like poisoned with mega amounts of heroin?? You cripple, you take away my time, my peace, my empathy yeah she's crippling.... you take away my time, like on this album that I used as an SOS.... his peace and empathy... his two favorite things besides love. Mine. No babies sleep on atrophy Your unborn love and fetal's dree My bitter [ ] legless caress I'm gonna burn the witch. Tear my heart out tear my heart out.

Stop doing this you dumb twot, kiss his neck and die ... he was your father and he thinks of you as a little pet    virus.... "MY MILK IS HER SHIT HER SHIT IS MY MILK".... I should burn her too... I'm thinking of ways other than taking away the name Cobain....


YUCK.

You look nothing like him... quit trying.

an old message from pour dead River :-( haha, will someone please start a LETTERSTORIVER no one gives a rats ass about him but me, and well.. Kurt wins!

I don't remember if I posted this but I'm posting it again :

In River's big obnoxious drawl:

I hate ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS.

(wow, that's deep... go on lol)

You don't know shit about me.

I hate my "family".

You don't know shit about me.

(yeah that's you Heart the whore)

I hate vegan diets.

And drool over sausage.

(that's real deep)

I hate this goddamn day and anything that has to do with being away from L.A.

(me too goddamn it)

I hate the fucking viper room but am oddly drawn to it.

(me too brother, it's cuz you died there dummy)

I hate persian heroin.

(yeah, cuz it killed you)

And still you, John

(me too...)

I hate the years I havent' been able to hold my sister.

And I hate anyone who doesn't actually believe this is really me.

I love Kurt Cobain and consider him my brother, but hate
the fuckers who took him from my sister as well.

lot's more hate too much too list. So in her words,

eat shit and die.

RJP

RP and RP have left the building!

letter to the attorney's.....

My name is Rose Phoenix-Cobain and I am the woman the late musician Kurt Cobain was writing songs to near the end of his life. I fear that Kurt was on the verge of leaving his THEN wife, Courtney Love-Cobain so we could be together. In these songs he also left plenty notations regarding the fact that he feared his ex-wife Ms. Love planned on ending his life out of a crime of passion of being scorned and did indeed succeed in framing his death as the one we all know now as his famous suicide.

I am seeking representation to sue her and his record company for all the money he "left" her, all of his possessions, the right to give up his last name     as well as over 200 million dollars for his life. As the true woman he loved, and who loves him I believe I have full constitution in this matter. Please help and respond in a timely fashion. Thank you.


(that's right I'm suing for all his possessions TOO, so eat SHIT!)

When I first started this journal I had no idea the connection I had to Kurt... let alone the amount of songs with lyrics directed at me... it worked out wonderfully, i just wish it didn't take me twenty years to get on the stick regarding everything. I love you Kurt, and anyone who disbelieves any of this can kiss my ass and eat shit... stop reading it and stop commenting. It's none of your business... that's why I choose to keep it private.

RPC

I need you.

So John Lennon walks into the Whiskey, and I say imagine that John.... imagine that.

Lennon writes a song about peace and human condition and gets gunned down by a human with no inner peace. Imagine that, John.

The southern Redneck takes Hollywood --

(thick southern drawl....)


"So I'm walkin' down the boulevard minding my own business, and day night dawn to light it is packed. I'm pushin' my way through and soon I bump into this guy in black who says his name is 'Darth Vader'. I think well, it's Hollywood. I've heard wackier names. I say, what, did ur father not like you or somethin'....And he replies in a low voice --

"I AM NOT YOUR FATHER".

And I say well I didn't ask you if you were my father or not... I asked you if your father liked you or not, now get the hell out of the way! I'm in a hurry! Then he pulls out this long red thing from his pocket, and I'm like what.... is that a dildo or something?? that's sick man... I don't have time for this.... move it...

Next thing I know... superman flies out of nowhere. And i'm like... hey man.... I thought you died?? oh wait... that's Christopher Reeves. Anyways, I don't mind superman that much, it's that bitch Lois Lane that really sticks in my craw...

Danglin' from a helicopter on a skyscraper... and here comes superman. Hangin' from an elevator with dynamite strapped to her chest.... here comes superman.... sinkin' in the earth, trapped in a car, dead...and superman not only finds her -- but he spins the whole earth around backwards for her... now that's loyalty.
Kind of ruins love for the rest of us...

Next thing I know spiderman weaves a web around me. And finally I'm like --- Don't ya'll actors have anything better to do with your time then dress up as super heroes for tips??..... Hollywood....

another song I'm working on...

Here is a spoof on Kurt's beautiful I Hate Myself and I want to die....




I hate myself and I wanna die
stick a needle in my eye

just like the taste of ma's old corn bread
stick a gun right to my head

they say it's greener on the other grass
stick a shotgun barrel right up my ass

like the chromatic crush of my membrane
the urge to free my mind drives me insane

suck my balls and lick my cock
the monkey's and bee gee's sure do rock

I said I hate myself and I wanna die
these straight arrow shells sure don't lie!