REWRITTEN EULOGY

1 + 1 = 2

My husband was an emasculated simpleton. With
a suicide note like that, could you blame him. This
note should be pretty easy to understand. He has
a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and
empathy. But by the time he figured that out...
it was too late. Kurt didn't blow his brains out.
He reduced his life to a blanket acn'ed with
cigarette burns. He was so lonely, sometimes
late at night he would head out to his cabin
in Carnation for some solitude and as he would
drift off into such a deep sleep sitting up against the
chest filled with Rolling Stone magazines that his
lit cigarette butt would drift aimlessly to the single
blanket he wrapped himself in and burn
the lining. At least that's how I imagine it.
Courtney Love offered 50,000 dollars to have my husband's
brains blown out. He had a wife. A real one. Someone
who truly yearned and waited and
and imagined speaking to him every single
day.
He stated in one song, directed to me:
Bitter you. Bitter me. My better half
 has bitten me. Bitter you. Bitter me.
Sleeping with my enemy. He states
in another line, directly to Courtney:
You cripple. You take away my time
my peace. My empathy. Kurt was big
on empathy. He had the biggest heart.
Then he states: I will awake your highness.
I am so high I cannot walk. I will awake.
Kurt's body was found with three times
the lethel level of heroin in his system before
the shotgun was fired. Experts insured he
was not walking out of there, let alone
firing the shotgun at himself with that dosage.
I am so high I cannot walk. He finishes
the trend of lyrics off with "lesson learned,
wish me luck, soothe the burn, wake me
up." Lesson learned: marrying a murder.
wish me luck: on the outcome of this sticky
situation. Soothe the burn. Of heroin as it
enters his system. Wake me up. Yeah.
Kurt had no desire to die. He finally
states: I'm MARRIED. BURIED. Along
with: "In the sun I feed as one." Clearly
stating his establishment apart from Courtney
and her desperate plans to end his life.
Kurt loved me for what he was not. Someone
who does what they say, says what they mean and
means every word. Someone with an
ungodly amount of passion to do what
he did. At least he had the integrity to
admit in his own song that he
was not greatful for his place in the
world. I truly believe he would have been
happy at any job regardless as long as he
had the love in his life he desired. But with
a name like Kurt Cobain he only had one
option. Rock star. And he fullfilled it like
a duty. He needed his true wife by his
side. He was starving for it. When I came
across the secret line in one of his songs
for me that he planted that read: if you live
through this with me I swear that I will die
for you... I was floored. My first thought
was, could he be planning something risky
that he wouldn't come out of -- like perhaps
faking his own death to escape his murderers?
I had the most beautiful man in the universe willing
to die for me and all I got in the end was
a dead body with a suicide note that I
wouldn't wish on my own enemy. It's better
to burn out than to fade away? I can't imagine
him eager to leave that message in the mind of angsty
teenagers at the end of the day from his position... before
sticking a shotgun to his head and pulling the trigger. 70
copy-cat suicides followed his murder.
"Please don't follow me. I don't know where
I'm going. I just can't be here anymore."
Those were his last words to a disgruntled
Love before a note that could easily pass
for a retirement letter wound up in a planter
five feet away from his cold, lifeless body.
The soul is cheap. His soul was all I ever
wanted. But I need his body to hug, and
hold onto in a way none of you can imagine.
God is gay? Yeah. Good job honey. She
placed that witch in your path instead of
me, where I belong, and all because you
said "god is gay." Another one of your
big mouth slips that fucked us over
royally. "I hate myself and I want to die"
is one of the last songs Kurt wrote to
define his position in his life. Two lines
stand out to me the most: "broken heart
and broken bones" And "just think of the
way a castrated horse feels... you're the
one I wanna refill." He described the
sensation of not being with me to the
position of a castrated horse. A man not
fullfilling their whole purpose in life. To
live for me. That idea astounds me. It
is a beautiful metaphor for our loss.
And he will live through me for eternity.
And it will come down to murder charges.
I promise. You can quote me on that.
I love you, Kurt. May your Puma's rest
in peace.