FLASH MY FAVORITE HANDSOME PIC OF KURT ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN while inquiring:::::::
"Would you kill this man? Look at him. Would you pay someone to kill him, burn his body, then keep his hair in a jug as a momento?? He was so beautiful. Too beautiful to make it out of that marriage alive.
(long pause)
Kurt's shoe size is a size ten. I got that from staring at his dead body in the window long enough. I went through a faze where I thought he was still alive. But those are definately his shoes. His hand... and his leg in that window.
I spent half my life hating Kurt because I thought he was just a spoiled little rich guy who took my right of suicide away from me and put it on himself -- like he had any right to complain. I thought his life was great. But when you need this kind of love in the worst way; he said he was STARVING for it; then suicide can be one answer to ending the pain.
I closed my feelings off to him for two decades, then when I decided to face it, I discovered it wasn't suicide afterall but cold-blooded murder -- with that I finally found the 'empathy' to forgive him. It didn't occur to me that he may have known who I was too. When I discovered all the lyrics directed to me I was flabbergasted. My first thought was 'oh my god'... twenty years??
Could he have possibly thought I was reading those lyrics as it took place in the early 90's or was he aware I wouldn't read them until later on... My worst moment is when I realized he may have had a suicide 'pact' with me that I wasn't aware of -- he stated -- "hold you close like we both just died , my ever pressing suicide, my stupid fuck my blushing bride (there he is beating himself up again about marrying the wrong woman) and then 'o tear my heart out tear my heart out'... he must have been devastated.
Could he have been waiting for me to kill myself too in order to meet in the afterlife?? As our only way to be together? Twenty years I waited to come to that possible realization. He mentions it in Lithium too -- "I can't wait to meet you there. I'm excited and I'm not scared. Light my candles because I've found God." Then he speaks of the type of afterworld he wants, where he can 'sigh eternally'... without me? Waiting for me?
Twenty years and here I sit. Still alive. I sincerely pray that that was not what his idea was and that I wasn't just suppose to know that. I would have been there in a heartbeat honey, If I'd known. I still feel like he is waiting aimlessly for me to do it. I keep a journal online that I devote to him and write in it every night. He's the only person I came to earth for. It was suppose to be just me and him. In the whole universe. We would have been the true definition of 'happily ever after'.
But thanks to space and time and a whole lot of crazy people we won't get that chance in this life... or will we? So this last song is dedicated to him whole-heartedly. And I have a message for Courtney Love: Your time is coming. I want all his possessions -- if you haven't burnt them along with his body. His soul belongs to me. Do not even think of 'tending' to it.
You cripple. And he shuts his mouth with glue. So here's a dedication to Kurt..."
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