Hey, honey... if you're listening... I am in the middle of putting together an article for Billboard magazine and maybe Time too... so don't touch anything....  I love you.

I want to hear your voice so badly...

Kurt,

I changed things around and I think it looks more homey, I posted a photo of myself as well... I just recently finished watching your Live and Loud show and I just wanted to mention how beautiful you looked during that performance. It's my favorite... did you really just turn 46 without me or are you still dead? I am working on reading my comments but you can feel free to email me in the mean time. I love you.

SECOND DRAFT OF 7 SHADES OF RED

From America The Pharmacuetical



7 Shades of RED

ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah

mating rituals bleed rite through
vulgar hunger for me and you
spiral viral orbital food
my keeper and sleepers
a kaleidoscope crue

RED
YELLOW
INDIGO BLUE


ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah


black satin sheets dipped in
rosemary maroon
simple tastes little things lazy cartoons
anti-freeze with cianide
a melting pot saloon
an emptied hollow vacated room
tears in turpentine and stainless steel shrooms

hate hate hate for

you and you and you and you

and you and you and you and you

for you and you and you and you

you and you and you and you

HATE FOR ALL OF YOU

ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah

season's greetings a christmas tune
ornamental confiscated regulated doom
vox car
rock star
eye of the monsoon
death star
radar
an undeniable BOOM

ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah

strip bars onyx tars encased in brew
a barrel of jelly beans confiscated too
armadilla my guerilla in combat boots
lessons in possessions and spagetti stew


ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah

(soft, intense)

cigarette cartons lining the walls
heroin needles ten feet tall
black sex and white semen littering the halls
hotels with no smells
santa's chimney crawl
six feet anthem's creep curating drawl

ah a ah a ah a ah a ah ah a ah
a ah ah ah a ah ah ah
ah a ah ah a ah ah a ah

(LOUD, BOOMING)

HATE HATE HATE

for you and you and you and you

you and you and you and you

you and you and you and you

you and you and you and you

HATE FOR ALL OF YOU

an angel man-handled and packaged for fall
faggots maggots and dirty curtain calls
niggers and sinners gunned to the ground
a handful of grenades set fire in june
a see-saw in july made just for two

RAGE HATE PAIN
for all of you

RAGE HATE PAIN
through and through

RAGE HATE PAIN
for all of you

RAGE HATE PAIN
through and through

ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah
ah a ah a ah a ah

(low, a rumble)

/strident equals violence
and no means no
citric acid with molasses
and feminine blood flow
graffitied walls dipped
in alcoholic cotton balls
satiric sudafed
vicious ridd-a-reck
advanced blood cell
virus in embriodic red

(screamed!)

AH A AH A AH A AH
AH A AH A AH A AH
AH A AH A AH A AH
AH A AH A AH A AH

( a low, drum cadence)
(building)

action equals fashion and slow means go
cunts and runts in the gutters
counting crows
pigeons and midgets sucking israeli-jewish toes
symphatic methogen
emphatic hydrogen
cromatic estrogen
in a mercury-lace syringe

(a low bass rumble)


SYMBEOTIC CATATONIC MICROSCOPIC RAGE!

HALLOGONIC KRYPTATONIC METABOLIC HATE!

SYSTEMOTIC HELOTOPIC CATASTROPIC PAIN!

(explosive!)

RAGE!
HATE!
PAIN!

FOR ALL OF YOU!

RAGE!
HATE!
PAIN!

FOR ALL OF YOU!

RAGE!
HATE!
PAIN!

FOR ALL OF YOU!

RAGE!
HATE!
PAIN!

FOR ALL OF YOU!

KILLATRONIC
EMBIOTIC
BUETENONIC
RAGE!

FRICTEONIC
PLANETONIC
AMBIONIC
HATE!

WEBAFONIC
PATRIONIC
ENDIOCTIC
PAIN!


AH A AH A AH A AH
AH A AH A AH A AH
AH A AH A AH A AH
AH A AH A AH A AH


(screamed)

RAGE HATE PAIN!

RAGE HATE PAIN!

RAGE HATE PAIN!


AH A AH A AH A AH


NO APOLOGIESSSSS!


AH A AH A AH A AH


NO APOLOGIESSSSS


AH A AH A AH A AH


NO APOLOGIESSSSS


AH A AH A AH A AH


NO APOLOGIESSSSS


WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


NO APOLOGIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(silence)

(a whisper)
no apologies

A WORD TO THE WISE AND NEW FILM SCRIPT IN THE WORKS --

A NOTE TO ALL OF YOU and the PREMISE of the new project THE SUICIDE SOULS:

DO NOT TALK TO KURT ON HERE. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HIM FOR ONE SECOND. DO NOT COMMENT ON MY PERSONAL POSTS TO HIM. Take a cue from one scenario.. and one scenerio only. GO WATCH Live and Loud from 93, and take note of the CLAP Kurt throws in at the end after the set is systematically destroyed. That CLAP is my favorite side of him and defines my attitude by only a percentage.

ANOTHER MESSAGE TO YOU, honey:

I am living on the street ... my life has been destroyed again and again by these insane voices claiming to be you.. and the lack of you being here. I've lost three laptops because of it. Dave Geffen is hard to find now because he is retired, so I am having a hard time threatening him for the money. I am working on the Rolling Stone thing and gaining money for the story and the cover photo but until them I am extremely destitute.

Below is another film project I have in the works that I would love to produce with you. Check it out it's our own personal story....   bew.



THE SUICIDE SOULS


Predestined to DIE
Too ashamed to LIVE


Six individuals. Six dreams. Six lives. Six deaths.


The ROCK STAR who never amounted to SHIT.
The HIGH SCHOOL KID who never amounted to a ROCK STAR.

The INVESTMENT BANKER who just wanted to be a JANITOR.

The HYPOCHONDRIAC afraid of CANCER but not DEATH.

The JANITOR who never amounted to an INVESTMENT BANKER.

and

The LUNATIC. Taking other lives was EASY. Taking his own was out of his CONTROL.


Where do you run when your soul is already marked for DEATH before you are even BORN...

Rolling Stone article I am working on --

Kurt,

I am putting together this cover story for Rolling Stone magazine with the title "The Girl Behind Nirvana"... it's a beautiful notion to have the band revolved around.... below is the caption and part of the article including what I am suing for....I'd love you to be a part of it. I still haven't been able to read any of your comments... I need you. I'd love to get you a picture, I don't know how much you know of my appearance. Please email me xoxo

The woman behind Kurt Cobain's heart finally SPEAKS OUT.

NIRVANA FRONTMAN'S TRUE WIDOW SUES DAVID GEFFEN AND GEFFEN RECORDS FOR THE LIFE OF MUSICAL GENIUS KURT COBAIN, 200 MILLION DOLLARS, THE NIRVANA CORPORATION, A PLATINUM RECORD FOR COBAIN'S IN UTERO, AN ARTIST OF THE CENTURY AWARD, A NATIONAL FUNERAL, A MUSEUM RESURRECTED IN HIS HONOR, A MURDER INVESTIGATION and get this... THE ENTRY of COBAIN'S TERM "CONTRADICTIONARY" and PHRASE "CONTRADICTIONARY LIES" from the track Very Ape included in the current Merriem Webster Dictionary Catolgue...

Here is a story that is in urgent need of coverage. Please contact the source, Infy Cobain at this email address AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. She is the actual widow of the Late Kurt Cobain who is the topic of inspiration behind such hit songs of Nirvana's dating back as early as 91, and is mentioned in such hits as Smells Like Teen Spirit and Lithium and is even depicted as a small blonde haired, blue eyed girl in the band's Heart-Shaped Box video while a zealous Cobain screams directly into the camera and into the eyes of his actual wife from across the miles...

The story is a love sonnet that rivals Romeo and Juliet.... the young, wholesome boy from a small town on the West Coast called Aberdeen Washington forms a rock band just to attract the attention of a young girl, eleven years his junior, on opposite coasts. He sky rockets to fame with the Nirvana name and then proceeds to take picture after picture with utter adoration staring up at the camera with his eyes full of love and need just for her -- a soft-spoken sixteen year old high school girl from a small town on the East Coast aspiring to be an actress in Hollywood who would rather be playing her clarinet in the high school orchestra and listening to film and cinema scores rather than attending a rock concert during the height of the rock/alternative era starring a full-fledged rock star going by the name of none other, than an astonishing Kurt Cobain.

Fast forward to a few years later and the pictures became less touchy feeling adorable gems of affection and yearning and more plot point sagas and drama straight out of a Hollywood movie like Momento where the clues and meaning are the difference between life and death. Suicide and murder.

Twenty years later, the high school girl is now a grown woman and more Cobain's wife and widow then just a stranger in love trying desperately to pick apart the pieces of the puzzle through photographs and tons of lyrics that the brilliant Cobain left to her disposal in his final two albums; Nirvana's In Utero and Hole's appropriately labeled album Live ThroughThis featuring such honest and point blank love lines in between typical lyrical banter that cry out as an SOS message:" If you live through this with me I swear that I will die for you" and the line "hold you close as if we both died, my ever pressing suicide... oh tear my heart out tear my heart out" are used as Cobain's only last restitution to his feelings and a last resort as a way of informing the woman he loves,, who now refers to herself as Infy Cobain, of the untimely plot and seedy quest of several individuals close to his personal life who had every intention of twisting a typical expectant suicide for the angsty and moody Cobain into a desparate murder ploy filled with greed brought on by the likes of a woman who his true wife refers to as only the "floosy" he happened to get pregnant at the time, Courtney Love.

Cobain was more than astonished to discover that his poignant and thought-out retirement letter directed to his legions of fans that also mentions his true "goddess of a wife" Infy who "also sweats ambition and empathy" for those individuals who took their lives in the same fashion as Cobain's "suicide" in direct response to the tragedy of losing their fallen hero....

The singer and guitar hero of so many lives was then left with nothing more than the failed to fail measure of self-worth that went completely out the window when the realization that the one girl he did it all for still didn't even know his name. So in backing his original theory, the grunge guru was left with nothing more than this simple thought: "WELL, THAT DIDN'T WORK" and Nirvana was no more...

 

Happy 46th Birthday.

God I love you. I'm so confused. You left me several lyrics to occupy my thoughts and ensure me that I was in yours...  I have no idea how you knew that I was out here and that I was everything you would have liked to be...

"I love you for what I'm not...
I do not want what I've got...."

A blanket acne'd with cigarette burns?
Speak at once while taking turns?

I hope you truly are here with me, but if you're not I will work my ass off to be sure people understand what you'd rather portray other than the image that was left at the time of your death. I feel a complete breakdown coming any day now... I hope you feel my love immensely as it barrels straight into your heart and soul as I bid you another birthday as forever 27. I love you.